Breathe out

I can't do this anymore. Every time I think I've healed, I relapse and fall back to the first day I was thrown into the dark. But my exams are around the corner, so despite the overflowing tears the whole day, I started reflecting what was actually wrong, and why this keeps on happening. It's not like he's the best guy I know, it's not like he makes me happy. And I think I never had any closure. Despite how I tried doing it myself. Some friends know how I did it. But I guess it never works if you try doing it yourself.
The thing is, I always thought that even if we were to end, it would be pleasant and knowing him.. he would ensure we had proper closure. But no, how I got dumped was not even through a phone call, what more face to face. By the time we met face to face there was nothing but emptiness and meeting someone completely new. In fact, no matter how much someone tries explaining to you that the only reason a breakup happens is because they just don't love you anymore - that just never works as a closure, or a proper explanation. Especially when it involves a serious relationship of 3 and a half years. Nothing makes sense. Nothing explains the changes in a person either. The only sensible thing is that somebody possessed him, or he's just gone out of his mind.

Here's what I want to say, because I can't seem to talk to you anymore, nor can you talk to me. This isn't my fault, you always seem to avoid talking about us, or me. Sure you ask how am I, the only thing I can say is I'm fine because that's the only way we would keep talking as friends. If I say otherwise, there goes our friendship, when in fact, there should be no friendship in the first place anyway. There comes a time when I need to release, when I can't hold everything in anymore. I hate the fact that you're grinning away knowing I'm still hurting and crying for you. I hate it that you're being open minded accepting changes, getting to know more friends, and just fucking dumping the person who once tried to show you that side of life, whom you never listened to. Yes, I do not feel appreciated one bit. I hate the fact that I've boosted your ego. Remember how you used to whine and emo about how you could never get the girl you like? I don't even remember how I came into your life. I don't even know why. Remember how you used to say that I'm completely out of your league, and that you're the luckiest guy on earth to have me. I bet that now, you regret saying all these.. and you definitely feel you could do better than me, don't you? Just because I fell in love with you, and still crying over you after 3 months and not to forget - the way I got dumped was so heartless. But what method of dumping isn't heartless anyway? I hate how you say that this is "hard" for you as well. How hard can it be, when you threw me away, moved on even before doing that, and already (fill in the blanks)? The only explanation for that - you feel guilty. Because you're still human. When I cry or feel miserable, you feel guilty because you know it's your fault. I hate it when you say you still care about me when you clearly do not give a shit about me. The only explanation for that - you feel guilty. Because you're still human. Yes, at least there's still some character in you. But don't you bullshit with me that you care about me, when you don't even check on me, you don't bother if I'm sick, you couldn't care less if I got run over by a truck or got raped by a bunch of old men. I hate it when you try to get me to know more friends (or guys) just so that I will get off your back. I am obviously worthless to you. You don't mind throwing me anywhere, to anyone, even if he happens to be your good friend. You don't care where I end up, as long as you don't have to take the blame of hurting me once upon a time. And knowing me, it takes decades for me to build up my self-esteem! It's as if I used to be bad for you, as if I never did you any good. I'm trying to forget we ever happened as much as you are.
.. But the scar remains. The pain has gotten duller and WILL continue to fade. But memories of what you did and said to me will always stay. Besides, everything that's happened, made every happiness in the past seem like a lie. You must be really glad now, having someone to accompany and satisfy your void for 3 years and now finally got rid of her because you've got everything else to keep you alive. Well what can I say? Glad I could help?

The worst part of this rant, is that.. you're not even going to feel the slightest care, I know. You'll probably think I'm crazy and pathetic. But you know what, at least I knew what love was. And how wrong it can be. And I find solace in myself knowing the things you don't want to believe. At least I know I am capable of loving someone, and giving my all. I just need to learn how to be strong, like how the women are in your corporate banking world ey? I'm just a little miss pharmacist, after all. The most I could do is end up saving your life one day. Hahah, and that wouldn't be appreciated as well.




Now that I'm done ranting, I hope I can focus on studying once and for all. Goodbye for now.



Oh by the way, the word, "SORRY".. does not make sense in such scenario.