``Two Beds and a Coffee Machine

Shifted

2010-08-15T08:32:00.003-07:00

I HAVE MOVED. CLICK HERE !

Hello guys, I thought it's finally time to move my blog and start anew, although you will find my old posts still available on the site :). I just thought I'd give TUMBLR a try, the navigation seemed user-friendly enough.

And again,

Click HERE .

Please re-link me if you do visit :). Much love! And thanks for everything, Blogger!

Steph.

Psycho creeps domination

2010-08-07T16:29:00.003-07:00

In Cafe de Hong Kong, Chinatown, London. Some time in May 2010.

Hannah: Do you wanna join me for a friend's birthday later at this bar? It's just going to be a chillaxing night out, and it'd be great if I could introduce you to my friends.
Me: Nah, I think I'll just head home. Besides, I'm not feeling too well.
After parting, I walked alone from Charing cross road to Leceister Square station. A man approached me - "Hello Miss, where are you going tonight?"
I said, "No where in particular" - frantically avoiding his gaze and gestures, speeding up my walking pace.
Him: Oh come on, where?
I dashed away, not looking back until 5 minutes later. Phew, he's gone.

Walking pass trocadero, I decided to drop by Claire's.
Browsing through the accesories, another tall, dark, dodgy man approached me - "What are you looking for, miss?"
Me, stunned - "Uh, nothing. Just browsing around" - Walked away to the other corner of the store.
He followed me.
Him: "I can help you choose what you might like to buy".
Me: "I don't need any help".
Him: *takes a pink bracelet* "Here. I think this looks beautiful on you. Go on, try it please".
Me: *Horrified by his sense of taste* "No thanks. Do you even work here?!"
Him: "Yes I do. I help customers choose what they want".
Me: *Looks at another salesgirl*. "Excuse me, but does this man work here?"
Salesgirl: *Looks at tall, dark, dodgy man*. "No???".
Me: *Turns back to tall, dark, dodgy man*. "Could you PLEASE, leave me alone?".
Him: "No. Please. I want to buy this for you *pink bracelet*".
Me: "I don't want it".
Salesgirl: "I think she's just an innocent girl who wants to shop on her own. I think you should just leave her alone".
Him: "It suits her perfectly. I want to buy it for her".
Salesgirl: *Looks at me*. "Do you want it?"
Me: "NO!"
Him: "I'll buy it for you".
Me: "NO I DONT WANT IT. I DONT WANT IT I DONT WANT IT!".
Him: "Its okay. I'll buy it for you". *Walks over to cashier*.
Me: *HORRIFIED*.

*Thinks to self* - Omg omg what am I gonna do.. *watches him pay at the counter*. Should I just walk away? Should I just tell him that I don't want it, AGAIN? But he'll just keep following me and won't leave me alone. Omg. And OMG.. it hit me. The man before, stalking me from charing cross road to leceister square.. He might be working with this man! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD they've been watching me since I parted from Hannah! *Panics*. Immediate reaction - RUN!

I ran and ran and ran and never stopped until I reached the tube station and got into the next train.

And that. Was one of the most terrifying experiences in London. I suddenly remembered about this because I suddenly felt the chill down my spine again. And how scared I was.

There are so many weird, dodgy, mental people in London. Seriously, among all the places I've been to, London seems to have the most people with mental illness.
Maybe that's why there are so many mental health hospitals in London itself.
It's creepy.. is this proof that, the longer you stay in London, the more possible you are to become insane?

I know the number of crazy people because I've worked in a mental health hospital before. I've encountered SO many on the streets. Some talking to themselves. Some shouting random names, or cursing stuff like "DIE!". Some just give stares of death. It's so scary, really. And everyday, there will be at least a few customers or patients who are a bit "off" in the head, visiting the pharmacy I currently work in.

Where do all these psycho creeps come from?! Whatever it is, it's still a huge mystery as to how they come about in the first place, and why. I really hope it's not because it's London.

She's got both hands in her pocket

2010-08-01T14:47:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow marks the first page of a new chapter. Let's hope that, the working life will make me a better and more useful person.

Good news is, I'm not going through this new chapter alone ;).

Butterfly fly away

2010-07-30T04:36:00.002-07:00

This is it. In 4 hours, I will be up in the clouds, feeling enclosed and claustrophobic for the next 13 hours. And then I will touch down London town once again, to add to my misery. Some people think I'm exaggerating. I'm not. And it's not that I'm not thankful either. I am. That's why I'm feeling so miserable. I feel I could be happier spending less money. Or earning less. For 4 years, I've been feeding UK with money. This time, I'll be earning a little back. It is time, isn't it? I would do this for many years if I could, but I don't think I have the strength to stay on after a year. Why should I, anyway, if there isn't any source of happiness to accompany the ka-chings. I wish for a miracle. Perhaps, like, a certain someone, to elope or come away with me. And together we'll be genuinely happy, somewhere. Wherever we like, wherever we agree on. I'm sure one day, it will happen. I'm sure one day, we'll be together. Love is powerful like that, and I realized that love is indeed, everything. It's also about learning to balance your time and energy for different aspects of your life. It's also about managing problems and solving them with patience. It's also about respecting differences and compromises.

So? Is this the new chapter of my life I've been waiting for? Yes, I think so.

Thinking of me

2010-07-19T10:28:00.004-07:00

And then I tell myself..

Maybe it's good. It's all good. His friend was, is and will always be a total asshole anyway. There was no possible imaginable way that I will see him on every occasion. Now.. what about the "other" friends?

On a side note, I'm a sick dog. Been sneezing the whole of yesterday, proceeded with having runny and stuffy nose (initially thought it's just an allergic reaction).. but it got worse by night time, progressing its course throughout the whole of today, resulting in my lunch and dinner appointments cancellation. Feeling miserable at home, I decided to take a short stroll outdoors with a friend of mine, whom so kindly brought me around to look for DVDs that I'd like to watch, old movies I never got bored of. Unfortunately, none of the movies I wanted were available. Sigh. What a sign.

Back at home, sipping ginger/lemon tea in hope that my cold/allery/whatever the hell my sickness is.. miraculously disappears by morning. Ah.. it's been awhile since I felt this way.

There's so much to blog about before I fly off. I really would like to.. everyday, if I could.

P/s: I added a new widget on the side bar on the right. It's an empty box which allows you to ask me ANYTHING, anonymously. So, even if you ask me shallow questions to indirectly criticize me, I will not know who you are. Sounds awesome, right.

Not just one

2010-07-17T13:09:00.003-07:00

Gripping my blanket as if for life, shivering and chattering till my bones feel brittle - even in 16 degrees, my problem isn't just feeling chilly alone, is it? A combination of frustration, surrender and insanity. I feel like giving myself a tight slap. A slap I'll never forget, a slap to remind myself for one of the most important lessons in life. But wait, how is it my fault? Nobody ever said 'this' is a crime. Especially not for valid reasons. The criminals are those who take the victim's heart for granted and break it into pieces. Is that a valid reason to hate them at the end of the day? Still the biggest question in my head.

So how many of you out there who are using your lover/partner/friend as an ego booster? Or rather, pursuing someone in hope that your dignity as a MAN will EXIST once and for all. And once you get them you go.. "Yeah.. I stole her heart. Now.. I think I can do better".

There are actually so many of you predators out there. Just be careful. Karma strikes. Take it from one who knows best, and has experience. No point telling you to fuck off because that never works. You guys swarm in like bees.

Please grow an ACTUAL heart. Everything you do, hurt some of us.

Walking down the lane alone

2010-07-06T13:43:00.002-07:00

Every now and then I would actually sit down and stare at the stars in the skies above, as if I could magnify my vision into outer space, and fall into the deepest thought possible. Like how many are there out there, how many haven't been discovered, how would it be like if I were to be close enough to a star.. without melting my guts away? And then I think of Einstein's theory of relativity and the speed of light. Time travel.. if only. And then I start to reminisce the past, mostly good memories. Sometimes I wish I would think more of the bad, so it wouldn't hurt as much. But no can do.. the good only seem to stay with me.

It's not like I haven't felt such emptiness before. I thought I should have. I mean.. I WAS born 21 years ago, and not 4 years ago. But why is it so amplified now? It's so overwhelming that at times I feel it could eat me alive if I don't do something about it. Like, blogging it out. I remember so much. I really do. I can't remember much of the other parts of my uni life, but I remember so much about us. I remember how we used to walk a good 45 minutes in order to save up for a rainy day.. uphill and downhill, storming any winter weather, hand in hand.. and on better days, arm in arm. I remember how strenuous it was to carry more than 3 grocery bags with our bare hands walking uphill under similar weather conditions. I remember how I would kick up a fuss if he insisted on giving me a hand.. which I always disagreed on because I wanted to prove I wasn't as weak, and as needy as typical girls. Hence I always wanted to contribute in terms of financial factor, too. I remember driving his friend's car around a foreign place, having him and his friend strap their seatbelts and hold on to them throughout the journey. I remember almost every Starbucks and Costa Coffee session, the drinks we ordered and the things we talked about. I remember the arguments of spending too much, or me being less understanding of his situation. I remember being frustrated not being able to spend much time together, whereas he was always trying to survive being financially sufficient and satisfy my needs. I remember the late night suppers, south park episodes, random movies and bubble teas. I remember the headaches and tummy upset episodes. I remember the late mornings and how half the day would be gone. I remember breakfast in bed. I remember walking at midnight to his university campus to access internet due to his new place having no internet installed yet. I remember singing to "take a bow" (Rihanna) at 2am, while walking hand in hand, skipping cheerfully after having some internet, and having a stranger overhearing my singing sneakily from behind, passing by, giggling and commenting "that was good, don't worry!". I remember tearful and emotional night-before-departures. I remember the comfort, the security, the happiness I never thought I had. And I miss everything. I miss having someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I miss having someone to care about me when I'm sick or in trouble. I miss someone giving me the feeling of comfort, when I feel I can be whoever I want to be, and do whatever I want to do.

Maybe I was having too much of a good life that.. God thought I've been taking things for granted, hence I needed to be taught a lesson. But then, wasn't it likewise for the other party? Why is it that only I am suffering from such syndrome? Every single wonderful memory is still tightly etched in my mind and heart. Every music, every song.. triggers an event. It's been half a year. But it feels as if nothing has changed. Everything in me has remained stagnant for half a year. But it has not gotten worse, either. I'm at a state where I don't know what to do, or where to go. I feel happy when I'm doing something, while I'm home, with significant people. But it's like the virus remains dormant inside. Perhaps not much chance of searching for a cure either. What to do.. when something I believed in so strongly before, has now been taken away from me. Not a chance to amend, not a chance for alternatives.

I admit too many tears have been wasted. But what to do.. when tears are indeed, words that are too painful for the broken heart to speak.

Running through my mind

2010-07-01T12:09:00.002-07:00

I decided to blog this instead of putting it on Facebook as my status because it's too publicized.

So like..

Facebook has become a place where people share their joy and happiness of obtaining a university degree. I pity those who did not achieve as well, or in fact, failed. I hope I won't be one of them, *touchwood* because I'm still waiting for mine. And I'm freaking restless now because I CAN'T TAKE THIS CURIOSITY ANYMORE. All the status updates from coursemates are NOT helping either. And everybody congratulating everybody, etc. Argh! Help! *pulls hair*.

I AM SOOOO fidgety right now I could die!

Good job in deciding to opt out from the pass list, Steph. A pat on the back for you! But wait, how was I to know that I'd have to wait a whole week to know my own results? Dammit! Have fun being fidgety and pulling more hair strands for the next 7 days, STEPH!

Coffee table

2010-06-28T11:28:00.001-07:00

One of those nights when I thought I realized that everything is done and dealt with, and my life would go on as I want it to be. Urr.. no. It was one of those nights when I was too sick and tired to be nice, so everything negatively felt were shot out from my heart. Right.. then I realize that this is never going to go away completely.

It's sad to think that I'm drinking more alcohol than I used to. I still don't enjoy it, but I don't mind it as much anymore. But when I get to the point of being tipsy, I don't feel good at all. At rare times, I would. But often I would just be miserable, knowing that I'm not benefiting at all. Plus the fact that I don't have anyone out there worrying about me, whether I'm in safe hands or.. anyway, I'm still the same old person in the end. I'm still decent, homely, quiet, and boring. I like lazing in places like Starbucks and Austin Chase for hours with a good cup of coffee or hot chocolate, with a good book or a good company. That's all it takes to make me happy :S.

To cut it short, I'm just trying to say that, no matter how much I try, I cannot change who I am. And perhaps, everything that my mind and heart have set themselves to believe. But I know that even though you might feel the same way, you are never coming back.

Down

2010-06-22T09:57:00.003-07:00

When I'm feeling really really down with personal problems.. I have no one to turn to. Sure people would listen to my crap.. but nobody actually understands how low I really feel.

It sucks feeling alone like this all of a sudden. I've never felt this way for so long. Why did you leave me?

Are you happy?

2010-06-17T10:55:00.004-07:00

I know I've been thanking my dad continuously in my times of trouble, darkness and loneliness. But little did I know my good ol' mum, who is normally quieter about the whole situation, is secretly trying to help me behind my back. What she does is she sends me emails. I normally disregard some (shh!) because I thought some would be rather cliche, forwarded ones. Tonight I had a little extra time and decided to open one. And I realized the other emails.. were her purpose of trying to motivate me to move on with life, be happy and stay strong.

Haahaa.. thanks mumsiekins. They are cliche, I have to admit. But they DO make me feel a little better, I HAVE to admit.

I need to get rid of my late nights.. but it's just so hard. Ungodly hours make me feel the most at ease, especially if I am alone.

But tonight I have no choice.

Till i blog again!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There are those who say:
“I cannot be happy because I am sick, because I have no money, Because it’s too cold, because they insulted me, Because someone stopped loving me, Because someone didn’t appreciate me!”

But what you don’t know is that you can be happy even though you are sick,
whether it is too hot, whether you have money or not,
Whether someone has insulted you,
Or someone didn’t love you, or hasn’t valued you.

BEING HAPPY
is an attitude about life and each one of us must decide.

BEING HAPPY,
depends on YOU.

(Yes.. so I've heard. But easier said than done).

Bursting at the seams

2010-06-16T13:50:00.003-07:00

Today, I decided to update my blog because I'm feeling under the weather.

So here I am back in my home country for another month, to enjoy the summer. And then off to London again for another year.

So what's going through my mind.. I really think my world is messed up. The guy who should not deserve my care and love, unfortunately does not give a rat's ass about me.. but the guy who deserves my care and love.. can't seem to have the chance. I just lost respect for a friend of mine, because no friend of mine deserves my respect without having respect for herself first.

Such an unfair situation. Why can't the guys switch places. Why is it that, whenever YOU've got a problem, or if you're feeling lonely, or if you're feeling down.. I am always there for you, but when I've got problems, and I'm feeling a little depressed.. you bail out on me? I think I've had enough of trying to believe that you do give a shit. Because you dont. And today proved it.

Yes, I'm sad. Now even sadder when I know that the person I made who he is today, the guy whom I showered love, care, company, attention and EVERYTHING to, seems to have forgotten who I used to be, or rather, who I am. I'm nothing but a speck of dust blown away with strands of his hair. I have to admit.. I am so, so, so, very sad. So sad that after weeks of no crying, I am starting to cry again.

I hate you. For manipulating me, for throwing me away, for being unappreciative, for all the sadness, hurt and anger you've caused me. I hate you for helping me discover my weakness. I hate you for making me go through insomnia, loss of appetite, nausea, lack of concentration and heart ache. I hate you for making me feel worthless, after all, that's all I am to you.

Did I make it that easy for you to walk right in and out of my life?

You deserve nothing from me, not even a smile from me. Not even my tears. Just get out of my life, and erase everything we had (thanks for using me during those goddamn years). Because I want to be happy again. Like, really.. happy.

*Updated*.

Come to think of it, NO ONE deserves my love and care. Wtf. Live your own life. When you learn to love or know what it means, then I'll consider.

Yes.

2010-06-04T19:00:00.000-07:00

Today was such a fucking. good. day. after so damn long.

Retirement

2010-06-03T18:15:00.003-07:00

Free hugs. Screams of joy. Nostalgic tears. Every mistake is forgiven, every conflict is forgotten.

The day has finally arrived.

No, not graduation day. But close. Today marks the end of my university life. I've been waiting four years for this day. FOUR. YEARS. In secondary school, four years felt like forever. In uni, four years went by in a flash, they passed by without proper warning. I am now, going to *finally* graduate! I honestly don't know if I should be happy or sad. I never thought I'd feel anything on this day, but blimey.. I AM feeling something, can't deny that.

I can't say it's happiness. I can't say it's sadness either. It's such a melancholic feeling.. I start to reflect on the past 4 years.. how things started, and how life has changed.. this feels like a demographic transition (I had to learn the damn model for my exam). Friendships have changed too.. majorly. I blame the group changes every term (not even every year, every damn term). It's been hard switching and adjusting. But at the end of the day, every class mate is a friend. And the weird thing is.. I realized that I got to know more people at the end of the year. Does this always happen? But it's too late.. you get to know them for a short period of time, and then when you become closer, the uni life ends.. and everyone disperses. I've been through so much of these in the past 5 years that I think I've grown to accept it. I think I'm just confused about what I'm going to miss, and what I'm not. I can't have a clear mind of what exactly is pulling my strings down.. and locking my soul. It's as if the glasses of champagne consumed after an ecstatic state of mind that freedom is now in my hands.. have clouded my mind. I do have to admit though, I'm exhausted.

Although exams didn't go that great, and as usual, the intrinsic fear of failing and resitting my papers is still within my deepest thoughts.. I couldn't care less about worrying so much anymore.

My graduation day is yet to come (it's so far away still!), during the winter 2010. It's an odd time, when most UK graduation ceremonies are held during the summer. But it's good, it's a convenient time for me. Also, having a convocation soon would be a bad idea for me, I haven't been in the best of moods for anything lately, especially anything which I should be happy and proud of. Come to think of it.. as pessimistic as this sounds.. nobody would be happy for me about graduating besides my family members. Yeap. Harsh fact of life. My family is the only people there for me all the time, bad or good times. They accept my flaws and understand why I am the way I am. I guess that's how it works.. I am pretty lucky to have a rather awesome family.

So.. yeah, I have to admit. I am kinda sad. Who am I kidding? Champagne, scones, dim sum, starbucks.. a rough idea on how my stomach went through hurdles.

Would you be happy for me, having to achieve what I've always dreamed of since I was little? (Yes, being a pharmacist was one of my ambitions since I was 12, how ironic, of course I wasn't serious but still.. how did it come to this?). Or are you just indifferent, technically, because everybody seems to graduate from university these days? (But then again, not everybody).

I never thought I'd be proud of myself for once. This is only the beginning. *Clinks*!

Prayers

2010-05-28T14:12:00.007-07:00

If only every single person, who has hurt a loved one, could be Bruce Almighty for a day.

God: You want her back?
Bruce: No. I want her to be happy, no matter what that means. I want her to find someone who will treat her with all the love she deserved from me. I want her to meet someone who will see her always as I do now, through Your eyes.

- Bruce Almighty.

O hai

2010-05-22T20:23:00.002-07:00

You know what?

Before I really, seriously, fuck up my final exams (EVER).. I really should do some hardcore studying and work my ass off right now. Perhaps I'm trying to announce a hiatus, but let's hope that works, no promises. It would help if I could cut out every single thought unrelated to pharmacy issues in my head too. Then again I'm not the emotionally strongest person I know. OH MY GOSH (Usher) I need seriously get down with this, NAO. BAI BAI.

Breathe out

2010-05-21T18:49:00.012-07:00

I can't do this anymore. Every time I think I've healed, I relapse and fall back to the first day I was thrown into the dark. But my exams are around the corner, so despite the overflowing tears the whole day, I started reflecting what was actually wrong, and why this keeps on happening. It's not like he's the best guy I know, it's not like he makes me happy. And I think I never had any closure. Despite how I tried doing it myself. Some friends know how I did it. But I guess it never works if you try doing it yourself.
The thing is, I always thought that even if we were to end, it would be pleasant and knowing him.. he would ensure we had proper closure. But no, how I got dumped was not even through a phone call, what more face to face. By the time we met face to face there was nothing but emptiness and meeting someone completely new. In fact, no matter how much someone tries explaining to you that the only reason a breakup happens is because they just don't love you anymore - that just never works as a closure, or a proper explanation. Especially when it involves a serious relationship of 3 and a half years. Nothing makes sense. Nothing explains the changes in a person either. The only sensible thing is that somebody possessed him, or he's just gone out of his mind.

Here's what I want to say, because I can't seem to talk to you anymore, nor can you talk to me. This isn't my fault, you always seem to avoid talking about us, or me. Sure you ask how am I, the only thing I can say is I'm fine because that's the only way we would keep talking as friends. If I say otherwise, there goes our friendship, when in fact, there should be no friendship in the first place anyway. There comes a time when I need to release, when I can't hold everything in anymore. I hate the fact that you're grinning away knowing I'm still hurting and crying for you. I hate it that you're being open minded accepting changes, getting to know more friends, and just fucking dumping the person who once tried to show you that side of life, whom you never listened to. Yes, I do not feel appreciated one bit. I hate the fact that I've boosted your ego. Remember how you used to whine and emo about how you could never get the girl you like? I don't even remember how I came into your life. I don't even know why. Remember how you used to say that I'm completely out of your league, and that you're the luckiest guy on earth to have me. I bet that now, you regret saying all these.. and you definitely feel you could do better than me, don't you? Just because I fell in love with you, and still crying over you after 3 months and not to forget - the way I got dumped was so heartless. But what method of dumping isn't heartless anyway? I hate how you say that this is "hard" for you as well. How hard can it be, when you threw me away, moved on even before doing that, and already (fill in the blanks)? The only explanation for that - you feel guilty. Because you're still human. When I cry or feel miserable, you feel guilty because you know it's your fault. I hate it when you say you still care about me when you clearly do not give a shit about me. The only explanation for that - you feel guilty. Because you're still human. Yes, at least there's still some character in you. But don't you bullshit with me that you care about me, when you don't even check on me, you don't bother if I'm sick, you couldn't care less if I got run over by a truck or got raped by a bunch of old men. I hate it when you try to get me to know more friends (or guys) just so that I will get off your back. I am obviously worthless to you. You don't mind throwing me anywhere, to anyone, even if he happens to be your good friend. You don't care where I end up, as long as you don't have to take the blame of hurting me once upon a time. And knowing me, it takes decades for me to build up my self-esteem! It's as if I used to be bad for you, as if I never did you any good. I'm trying to forget we ever happened as much as you are.
.. But the scar remains. The pain has gotten duller and WILL continue to fade. But memories of what you did and said to me will always stay. Besides, everything that's happened, made every happiness in the past seem like a lie. You must be really glad now, having someone to accompany and satisfy your void for 3 years and now finally got rid of her because you've got everything else to keep you alive. Well what can I say? Glad I could help?

The worst part of this rant, is that.. you're not even going to feel the slightest care, I know. You'll probably think I'm crazy and pathetic. But you know what, at least I knew what love was. And how wrong it can be. And I find solace in myself knowing the things you don't want to believe. At least I know I am capable of loving someone, and giving my all. I just need to learn how to be strong, like how the women are in your corporate banking world ey? I'm just a little miss pharmacist, after all. The most I could do is end up saving your life one day. Hahah, and that wouldn't be appreciated as well.

Now that I'm done ranting, I hope I can focus on studying once and for all. Goodbye for now.

Oh by the way, the word, "SORRY".. does not make sense in such scenario.

Expiry dates

2010-05-19T20:07:00.002-07:00

"Oh tonight I'm feeling fine, I'm alone just wasting time, no Friday movie nights, or romantic candle lights.."

I love David Choi. He sings love songs alright, but somehow they don't make me cringe like others do. And most importantly, they're not about sex, drugs and clubs. Really sick of listening to songs about them recently, unfortunately most of them come with very catchy and interesting beats, and I can't help enjoying them.. Oh the irony!

Some songs mean alot to me. There are songs that catch my attention, and fade away with time. There are songs that stay in my heart for eternity, because to me, not only their melodies play a part.. I think lyrics play a huge role too. And that's why there are not many songs which I could listen to everyday, forever. That's probably why I do not like Ke$ha's songs (Blah Blah Blah) - lyrics make no sense.. although, some beats really bring me back to my youth. Yes, I do feel old now actually, simply because I think I have changed.

So.. perhaps people in my lives play similar roles. Some strongly attract me for a short period of time, but they fade away with time. Some.. stay in my heart. I could spend my life everyday with them without losing interest.. so, that's rare. Somebody told me that, everything has an expiry date. It's just a matter of time. And then I asked, then how do marriages work? And he answered.. kids bring families together. I used to think divorces are sinful, and not common. How wrong was I? Did it have to take me so many years to realize that.. EVERYTHING - has an expiry date?

Then I start to realize that spending time with myself is pretty relaxing. I actually enjoy a frappucino at Starbucks, sitting at a lonely corner, reading a good book, observing the latest trends as pedestrians walk by through the window. Alone. Listening to some good music like David Choi's would be a plus too. But this ALSO has an expiry date.. because I'm not going to do this everyday am I? I would be bored to death. At times, I do need a proper life - and that means working my ass off.

There are things I hoped to accomplish by now, a list that I wrote a few years back. Sadly, I looked in the mirror today and saw a failure. Could have been me, could have been circumstances.. but nevertheless, I could have done better and made changes when I had the chance. Even more sadly, the journey is ending for me soon. This path is coming to a dead end, and thats when a new road opens up for me. Somehow it feels dissatisfying to start a new journey knowing that you did not accomplish your goal in the previous - with no chance to turn back.

If I try to see myself 10 years down the road - I can't. I don't know where to go, or what I will be doing. It's so stressful to set goals after this, because everytime I hope too much, I never get what I want. I think I used to be more motivated and cheerful back as a teenager. I suppose that side of me had an expiry date too?

So what's left of me.. is what I'm dealing with to get through tough times. Don't assume I don't have tough times, you don't know, do you? Maybe I start developing new sides of me, which will also have expiry dates, no?

So on the bright side.. my negativity, my "tough" times will also have expiry dates, yes? That's why they say when there are bad days, there will be good days.

Random rants at 4am aren't doing me any good.. I'm really tired. I don't even know what I just blogged about. Perhaps I'll read this tomorrow, and forget everything, because my memory has an expiry date too?

You said.. many things don't last forever. But some things do.

You lied. Nothing is forever.

Secondhand Serenade (behind the scenes)

2010-05-07T18:29:00.001-07:00

It was all going great. I was doing well, for the past week until today. I call it a relapse. I don't even know why or how it happened - it's like sudden thoughts and memories made me cry again, after so long. And then the questions start running through my head again, giving me a headache. This happened while I was taking a shower - tears washed away with the flow. Sometimes I believe there is this vibe, and bond.. that cannot be broken. You feel i feel u know? It's so weird.

And then I felt better after a couple of songs and videos. And I went through Secondhand Serenade's old album again.. I actually like the layout of their songs in order - it tells a story of a typical break up. Their songs are way too emo I agree, I could hide in the underworld by just listening to their songs all day. Here goes their album songs (in order), Awake (2005):

"Half Alive"
"Broken"
"Vulnerable"
"Your Call"
"Maybe"
"It's Not Over"
"I Hate This Song"
"Awake"
"Take Me With You"
"Let It Roll"
"The Last Song Ever"
"End"

Can you tell the story already? It's so brilliant..

Half Alive - The part where you refuse to believe it's over, yet it's tearing you apart because everytime you hear the bitter truth, it kills another cell in your body, until you don't know if you're actually still living for a reason.

Broken - The part where you start accepting and believing the painful truth; that you have lost the love of your life. You feel empty, and souless. Broken is such a strong word, you never feel it until you really experience it.

Vulnerable - As much as I hate this stage the most, it happens. You feel more inclined towards the care of others who shower you with attention. And then you start believing that somebody else can actually love you. And then you fall into oblivion and make the biggest mistake of your life - rebounds. Fortunately, this normally happens once, and you learn this the hard way to make sure it never happens again.

Your Call - The part where your ex lover finally contacts you, and suddenly the world seems a little brighter..

Maybe - So this is where your hopes get a little higher, and you start wondering if there is any chance, things will be the way they were before..

It's Not Over - Ha. Back to denial. Most people skip this part though. Some people unfortunately, fall back into denial and believe that what they had with their ex lover, has not come to an end. Dangerous stage.

I Hate This Song - You start to realize that it might all be wishful thinking. I assume "song" is used as a metaphor for life itself.

Awake - The stage when you FINALLY wake up and accept reality.

Take Me With You - The part where you allow life to take you where it wants you to go. Before this, you refuse to step forward, you're stuck to the exact same position you were since the break-up. Now, you have the courage to take at least a step forward and see what life has in store for you.

Let It Roll - You take whatever shit comes your way, and throw it aside because you know you've been through the worst, and nothing worse could come along. This is the stage where you start becoming a stronger person.

The Last Song Ever - You realize that there never has been any closure. Something was incomplete. So you do anything that reminds you of your ex lover for the last time. Listening to your songs, videos, packing up the photos you have, or even throwing out everything which reminds you of him/her; with no more pain felt.

End - You realize that it has indeed, come to an end. Relapses happen every once in awhile, but you know it has reached the end of the bumpy road where you should stop crying, being depressed and start picking up the pieces, be independent and live your life for YOU, once again. Remembering that you once lived your life happily without your ex lover in it.

Wow, can't believe I took all that effort to write all these thoughts down. Bear in mind they're just according to my perspective, nothing logical or philosophical or any of those intelligent shite *laughs*.

Also, I've been following the British elections. Why the hell? Don't ask me, I've never been interested in politics but i've been absolutely glued to these updates and news, and live coverages! The hellll.. so unattractive.

So guess what, blogging this out made me feel a teeny bit better too. I'm going to stop listening to Secondhand Serenade songs now, they're damaging after too long. At least Owl City has slight optimism!

My left ear is infected. I don't know what to do =__=.

So, back to my assignments and a shift of focus.

"You know that I hate this song.. because it was written for you".

How does it feel?

2010-05-03T17:05:00.003-07:00

I've been numb with my emotions towards my student life and studies, for the past few months due to unfortunate circumstances. Sadly, I never managed to focus much in the past 4 years. Somehow I don't know why, it's as if my passion for studying has died. Or more accurately, I've grown so tired of working hard since young, trying to be number 1 (but never made it), and never had a break, even after SPM. It's as if my life is meant to be constantly busy, because taking a break to me (for a few months) is sinful. But that's because I would feel utterly useless. And it's true! I become lazy, useless, dead and fat.

The past few months have been considerably worse for me because of my recent break up. Well, not so recent anymore is it? In fact.. I feel as if I have taken a step forward, leaving my questions unanswered.. but I don't care anymore. I feel like I've been trying so hard yet to no avail, I feel as if everything I've done aren't and never will be appreciated, and no matter what I'll always be at the losing end. It is to the point where I wake up and realize I'm tired. Sure, I could still feel sad or angry about it, but all I can do is respect the other person's decision and walk away? The thought of how things have changed, how he has changed, make me shudder. It's poisonous to think about the slightest memory of him, it's as if everything we had has been cursed. I don't look back and smile, I feel sick. I feel sick because I thought I made the right choice, I thought everything was so planned out and that no matter what things will always work out in the end. But how could I have been so wrong? It makes me feel sicker when I think about how this means that I have to be extra cautious about the next. Really, is there an end to this, when it will be certain? Someone who was about to spend the rest of his life with me just vanished and left me with no sense of compassion or care. Hell, it's as if I died in his eyes. It doesn't even make me sad, it makes me SICK.

So yes the past few months have been very rough. But I'm grateful I still managed to pass my exams.. However now is the real challenge. Standing on my own two feet, I have the final final final (and did i mention FINAL) EXAMS to go through in a month's time. On top of that I've piles of assignments left at the tip of my fingers. I am prepared to look my worst, accompanied with a couple more strands of white hair. No matter what happens I really have to fight everything that gets in my way, just so I actually graduate as a satisfied soul.

A friend who's graduating this year asked me this, "So... you're finishing uni life this year... how does it feel?".

To be honest, I feel relieved.

You guys are feeling sad, emo, and all those depressing shit. I, however, feel relieved, and I can't wait for uni life to end. I swear it's because of my uni itself, and perhaps, I just never got to know the right people. Sure I got to know certain beautiful friends, but I can assure you there are not many at all. Hence my sad uni life. It's saddening really, considering how my parents used to tell me uni life was the best time of their lives. I am the complete opposite. Uni life has been the worst time of my life, and all I want to do, is get out of it. I just want to qualify, and I want to become SOMEBODY already. I am through and tired of trying to please everyone and be everyone's friend. Reality check - you can't please everyone, and not everyone will like you.

So as you can see I have become a really bitter person haven't I? I'm still nice, I really am. It's just that recent events have opened my eyes to a whole new perspective. And really, I kind of like the busy lifestyle I am going through at the moment, it keeps me alive. At least, I know I am still alive and kicking, and that I am stronger than I thought.

When the day comes.

2010-04-30T17:02:00.002-07:00

Crazy.

That's how I thought this week would be like, a sudden change of lifestyle, once again, snapping back to reality. Everything happened in a flash, but everything turned out better than expected. "Crazy" was not just meant for me, but for what I've been dealing with during the whole week. But really, are they actually crazy? Do they know something we don't? Or did they choose to disconnect from everything that once seemed significant to them?

Interesting is more of a proper word choice. As my feet step into the grounds of the mental health hospital, a gust of wind changes the atmosphere entirely.. I feel the terror, the world that they might see, how they might feel... hell, sometimes I feel I might just wind up like them. They don't exactly recover, no matter how long. A lifetime supply of Clozapine.. sounds good. In the wards, I hear patients screaming, "LET ME GO!". "I AM NOT SICK!". "I DON'T WANT YOUR MEDICINES!". Nurses grabbing a patient's arm furiously, not allowing her to run towards the door to escape. A random passerby, staring into space looking hypnotized - smiles at me for a whole 6 seconds with no face movement whatsoever. All these scenes, seen with the naked eye - feels as if there has been something accomplished in my life. Not that it's been my lifelong dream, but I think I've found a new interest. But how far can I go, knowing that throughout my years of living, I've never been considered the bright child? Struggling is part of me when it comes to achieving the best academically. Never ever, has it changed.

Another change I realized. The hospital itself, is very big. Three branches. Separated. To three branches was where I went on different days. Imagine the different people I met. And then lunch break.. how I'd describe the scene, would be;

I step into the cafeteria, starving; Curiously looking at the trays of different foods I could choose. But wait a minute.. *looks down*. Where do I eat, and whom do I sit with? My attitude for the week - whatever. Sitting alone in a corner - no feeling of sadness, embarassment, disappointment or fear. I'm just eating nicely, talking to friends miles away with my blackberry. Alone. Suddenly I feel a pinch of reality - no, I don't care.. who would? Why bother? Because at the end of the day, it all boils down to this - NOBODY CARES. No sense of self-pity at all, I have too much important things to worry about - I slowly sip my water, pick up my tray and put it away, and graciously walk out. And the best part is? I don't even remember this by night. Normally, I'd fiddle with issues like this, but this week, I don't know what happened. I just.. didn't care.

It wasn't just this, it was everything else. Life in London feels like a one-man show for me. Nobody to lean on. Nobody to depend on, and vice versa. I have to do things on my own, even if I can't or fail. But this is the journey I chose and I'm still learning so much.. but when will I ever be competent enough?

... And THEN.. I can finally go home with a happy heart?

Somewhere I belong.

Just don't ask.

2010-04-22T13:12:00.003-07:00

Friend: Still having problems with him?

Me: What problems? We're not even a part of each others lives.

Pieces of Me

2010-04-21T13:49:00.001-07:00

Yours truly is still stuck in her beloved homeland. I'm not very happy about this despite me being comfortable here.. I'm technically wasting a whole week of my hospital placement which i looked forward to for the very first time. I guess God isn't really helping me out this year, is He? And next week, my final sterile products lab. And I haven't done jackshit.

The thing is... I feel so unproductive here. I want to go back to London so that I actually feel more useful. And hopefully, a chance to grow into a better person. In fact, being home has made me fallen sick a couple of times now. I really can't wait for this year to pass... it's been rather sickening, surviving each day, and watching how my life goes by.

It's really, really time to start picking up the pieces of me, and put them together again. I want to go back to what I love doing.. playing the piano, dancing, singing, reading good books. I haven't done those in a long time. Actually, I just karaoke-ed the other night, and it was so, so, good. Such a release.. I thought. And then.. reading - I've been reading Tess Gerritsen's, almost done. I want to try going to the gym - but is that possible with my schedule? NO. What a bummer.. I think I want to shape up. Get rid of those flabs, they're so unattractive, especially if I have the guts to wear a bikini :S.

So i've been stranded for about a week now - how messed up. Malaysia Airlines isn't helping either, I would probably write a whole essay of complaint about them, but not just yet until everything is settled. Morons running the company, douchebags who think MH stands for "Malaysian Hospitality". Seriously, this is the biggest joke of the year. Wait till you hear my story. For now, I just need to get my ass back in London.

I hate this part. The longer I stay here, the more reluctant I am about leaving. I really should stop spending too much time with certain people - they make it harder for me. But life goes on ey? I decided to just screw whatever shit is thrown at my face. I've been dealing with so much now that I can't be bothered to be nice or patch anything up. Take it or leave it. I'm lucky enough that my uni and hospital people are understanding about my situation. At least, they won't fail me on purpose...

Hey, it's 4.30am, and it's raining... my stomach is doing its somersaults again, which I absolutely hate, I have no freaking idea why it's acting up these days - loss of appetite, nausea, random pains, gassy. What the hell.. WHY?

Oh.. and today, a friend and I passed by this "Iron Man" poster.. which he exclaimed, "I WANT TO WATCH IRON MAN 2!". And then I stupidly, enthusiastically replied, "EH I WANT TO WATCH THAT... THAT... MOVIE... I.P MAN 2!!!" (Note that I pronounced that as "EYE PEE MAN").

He just laughed at me for a whole 30 minutes =___________=.

Yes lah yes lah - next time I should just shut up when it comes to Chinese movies. Damn I really suck at this! By the way, it's supposed to be "YIP MAN" (Some dude's name in Cantonese). How embarassing! *Hides.

Supper is not dinner

2010-04-13T03:40:00.001-07:00

I think the classic symptom of depression is feeling tired all the time - I just want to sleep and sleep. Not just wanting to, I need to. And knowing me, I usually do not need much sleep. Or perhaps I'm just getting old..

So it's been.. a month now. Not very long, but getting there. My world has come back, as how it used to be.. only one side of it I used to see. I thought I was opened to the other side, and was prepared to sail through and share life's turbulence and natural disasters with the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
Needless to say I wasn't the first one to decide. Who knew the table would turn around. The Earth spins but does that mean life expectations and decisions spin too?

Maybe it wasn't meant to be. Maybe it was. My thoughts are jumbled up in my head, and I realized you can't force anybody to let go, or to move on. It is a matter of time that one decides to. So.. stop bombarding me with "MOVE ON ALREADY!" or "FORGET THE PAST!"; I know. I'm not a small kid anymore, any logical person would KNOW. But the million dollar question is - do you know what people like me are going through, EXACTLY? My guess is not many would, especially how I've been pretty discreet about my love life before. I'm not much of a PDA person perhaps, i don't discuss much with people about it (that does not include smooching and making out in public though) because I dont see the necessity in that. And then this happened; I tried to confide in people, but ended up with typical remarks such as, what I said before. So I'm really tired of talking about it, nor wanting advice from anyone. I'm a naturally stubborn person, if I'm determined and sure with what I want, I make sure I get there.

So, my life is about to change again. In a few months I will supposedly graduate, and start working. Maybe my perception of life will change by then? Maybe I will be a happier person? Maybe I will face more challenges?

My guess is, everything will happen.. and I really wish I could fastforward time right now.

Life after you

2010-04-08T02:12:00.001-07:00

Sneak preview (a failed one).

Recently i've been doing alot of thinking, as if i don't do that enough. Being home this time around makes everything feels different. When i recall the last time i was actually home for real, that was almost 5 years ago. Things then were so carefree and simple, despite how complicated i used to portray my life as. I didn't know life outside my shell, i didn't go through any hardships. I used to hang out with friends, and not give a damn about the rest of the world. The people who are working, who are too busy to even grab a drink. I was in my own little world, thinking how great life was. To be honest, i still never gave a damn about the rest of the world every year i come home.

This time around, i noticed alot more in my surroundings. How people go out for a drink or meal after a long day's work. Who the working people are, the fresh looking ones, the experienced ones. And then i started thinking, how would it be like if i were to come home one day, work and settle down here? Will i be happier? Will i regret? For so many years i've longed to get away. For so many years i've been expecting to settle down somewhere else. But i can't help worrying how my future might turn out. In all honestly, i can't imagine myself settling down in the UK permanently. Even the thought of that is painful now. How do people do it? Is it right to force myself for a better future, or go to some place where i feel i belong, but with a blurry future - not knowing what is going to happen?

After having my life turned around, i now have a gap in my heart, in my life. I now understand how it is to feel empty. It's this feeling of waking up every morning, dreading to face the day. The heaviness inside my soul forces me to continue sleeping and not wake up. The voice inside my head tells me that nothing is better than sleeping my day away, because that way, i cannot get hurt, or hear any bad news, or go through any horrible experiences.
This has made me change drastically. My eyes look sadder. My appetite has decreased, this is a miracle. Even today, my dad was surprised, and said "you don't eat alot these days do you?". I've lost all confidence. I feel unattractive and fat. I feel that i can never be loved. I feel that even God hates me for playing with me for so many years, and wasting my opportunity to see the bigger picture, and how things really were, nothing but disastrous. My mood is always towards the down side. No matter where i am. I used to be able to distract myself with good music and friends, but these days, nothing helps. Even if my favourite music is playing, i cannot get myself to bob my head or sway my body to the rhythm of the song. It's not like me at all. All i feel like doing is walking along the beach alone and let the sea waves take me to wherever i'm supposed to be.

I know i have my family, and some good friends around. I'm really thankful to them for being so patient with me. If i were them i'd probably give up and leave me alone, because i deserve that. But they still won't leave me alone, and i'm really glad.

All that i'm after is a life full of laughter.

Realize

2010-04-06T11:50:00.003-07:00

6 years ago, I took back my heart. It's been a turmoil for you since, for many years, and it's amazing how we still managed to meet each other at least once a year when I'm around - to me, our outings were never awkward, little did I know I never understood how you felt.. until now. Seeing you for just literally a minute ago - for just 10 minutes, made me tear. Why did I have to see you, unplanned?

It made me realize.. that karma exists. 6 years ago, I broke your heart. 6 years later, my heart has been broken my someone else. When I saw you.. I felt like giving you a hug.. and telling you, how sorry I am, how very sorry I am.. for putting you through such hell for so long. I've been inconsiderate and playful, I did not learn to grow up, until .. maybe not yet. But I've definitely learned a lot more.
But.. I couldn't even touch you. I didn't want to look at you in the eye for fear I would just cry. If only you knew what I'm going through - but then again, I don't really want you to know. I'm just happy that.. you've finally found happiness all over again. I'm actually happy for you. All I did was sit back, gave a moment for myself, and realized how relieved I am for you. Yet, I couldn't help feeling it was definitely my loss.. for so long. Of course we have gone our separate paths by now.. I just want to ask you how you did it, how you survived.. but I can't.

Now I just wonder if the pain I'm going through was what you went through - or is this better/worse? I'm ashamed to even be asking you out anymore, but I just want you to know, you have my blessings.

I guess I'm on my own, no matter what they say.. I always end up having to fight everything alone. Cry alone. Sing alone. Sleep alone. Dream alone. Pray alone.
Story of my life.

The comfort

2010-03-28T21:18:00.003-07:00

I touched down in the land where it will always be home to me yesterday.. Somehow no matter how much I dread my holidays (piles of work), home always makes everything better. It's always so refreshing to hear the pilot say "For those returning to Malaysia, we welcome you home".

Despite the pain, hurt and confusion I've gone and going through... no matter how much I have to sacrifice and let go, and deal with a lot more "you look so SAD.. i can see it on your eyes" statements; I realized that I'm happy enough knowing you're happy, and just to hear from you - how you're doing. I don't want to ask for more anymore, knowing that isn't your source of happiness.

I'm down with a bloody cold.. well, was expecting it as I started falling sick before my flight anyway. I just hope to recover before the weekend, when I'll be away...

In the mean time - OMG my dogs, OMG my piano, OMG my family, OMG my friends!!!!!!

This holiday will pass by in a flash.

Reflect

2010-03-25T17:52:00.005-07:00

Sometimes I don't know why I'm doing this to myself.

Haven't I tried enough? Haven't I tried so fucking hard that, even God is tired of helping me? And you know what's amazing? That he still doesn't give a bloody shit about me.

After all these years, everything has been a lie. I don't know what made him become somebody I don't even recognize anymore, I don't know how could someone so warm and snuggly become so cold and evil? All I've been doing is patiently wait in my own will and all I get is a cut out from someone's life, without any spot of pity or care. What happened when I used to be the only one? What happened to never let go? All I ever wanted was to be part of each other's lives. And then all I wanted was to hear from him. And now all I want is an eraser in my head to eradicate the memories of him.

Fine, karma exists. Happy now? I'm sure you are.

This is a moment of mixed emotions, and they are NOT GOOD - I wish I never knew you.

The Wise Man

2010-03-23T19:35:00.006-07:00

So, everything was my fault. This is what I keep thinking that's happening - that I was the source of it all. Perhaps I did not portray the qualities that he found beautiful. Maybe he found them in someone else.. and realized that, there are so many other beautiful souls out there, as compared to me. Who am i? Just another girl.

Today;

I had a talk with an 82 year old patient - to be honest he looked more like 60. Got quite surprised there, and immediately complimented him. On top of that, his medication regime was not very frequent, in other words - he was a healthy man, for his age. I was amazed, he looked like a bright happy chap - does this show that, a happy, optimistic person would live healthier and longer? It was quite an interesting chat, because to be frank, I don't get to talk to an 80 year old person every day. I hardly communicate with my grandparents too.
Listening to him talk about his life in the past - retirement 18 years ago; wife passed away; children and grandchildren, etc. That was really quite amazing; everything he talked about was in the past of many years ago way beyond my age. Talk about wisdom, he's gone through 4 times of what i've experienced since I was born. One thing was that, he constantly mentioned his late wife, which made me touched and sad at the same time. It's so lovely to know someone who remembers their loved ones even after years and years pass, with the passion still so strong inside. Of course this made me think abit - I have yet a lot to experience and learn, but I still doubt i'd ever get as far as he did. But all is well - he's had a good life thus far.

Quite a random rant, who knew that a chat with an 82 year old patient would make me think in a different perspective of life today - I guess it is a choice to be optimistic or pessimistic about experiences. My choice has always been the latter, but i'm not regretting that - yet.
Until I probably reach the age of wisdom? When my teeth start to fall out? When I have urinary incontinence? When I need to be sent to a care home? A mental health institute? When I have nobody left except my dog by my side?

Yeah, it will take awhile - definitely. I really need an introductory warning for this blog: may cause bipolar disorder if vulnerable.

This is not the kind of blog I intended it to be...

2010-03-22T17:01:00.003-07:00

I can't do it.

I'm still crying, every hour. If i'm not distracted, all my thoughts go back to us. To what he said. To how he feels...

I'm still so determined, i'm still so certain - yet my hopes were all crushed. Why the contradiction?

It's so hard not to hear from someone you love and care about, it's so painful to not share your everyday experiences with someone you love and enjoy talking to, it's so sad to know that you're thinking about someone you love but not being thought about in return.

Yet the feeling doesn't go away... it never does. I want to understand, but i never will. I don't want to give up yet, but I don't know what to do.

I.. just want it back.

A story

2010-03-21T17:40:00.003-07:00

The waves of the sea were rough,
The spread of loneliness was overwhelming,
I was so close to going back home where I belong,
But then you came along,
Filled my life with so much sunshine, laughter and rainbows,
Opened my eyes to a different world,
Apparently I did the same for yours,
I lit up your darkened world, I showed you how it felt like to have people care about you,
The way we met, was as if it was destiny,
We fell in love (or was it just me?),
Our souls became one,
That was the beginning of a chapter.

Times were smooth, times were rough,
I was led astray on certain occasions,
But our bond was strong, no matter where I went, I always came back to you,
You were different, you always stayed,
It's always been a wonder, and I thought you were perfect,
Years passed in the blink of an eye,
We were fated to part physically but not spiritually,
We parted emotionally for a brief period of time,
But our bond was strong, we always came back,
In time...
Little did I know it was only my soul hanging on to you,
Little did I know you quietly took your heart back (and possibly gave it to someone else),
Little did I know you broke our bond, and left me with a bleeding heart,
Left me with nothing but emptiness, not even my soul is with me,
The world became darker than ever before,
The feeling of wanting to just die is now taking over me,
But all I can do, is cry until I go dry,
For what I realized, the biggest mistake,
Was to meet you years ago,
I don't know why we were destined to meet,
When all I'm left with now,
Is nothing.
This is the end of a chapter in my life.

SCREAMS

2010-03-19T19:57:00.002-07:00

What should I have believed in? The words that were said before or after the change?

*Cries* x'O .

I can't take this anymoreeeeee i'm going crazy, especially after watching Shutter Island tonight, that did not help!

Cinnamon Swirl

2010-03-18T20:24:00.004-07:00

My heart feels like it's dropping to the bottom pit of my stomach, it feels like it's going to burst out of my chest any second.

I have dyspnoea. Every breath i take seems to be a struggle.

My head is spinning, and throbbing. The pressure in my blood vessels are making me feel sick. I feel sick, so sick.

My eyes start to well up, wherever i go, public or not. They burn and swell.

My mind just goes into nothingness. Just like the universe.

It's like a repeat of history. A big, fat repeat.

I dont even know what my emotions are anymore.

I can't blog properly, can't focus, can't do anything for goodness sake. When I've put the pieces of the puzzle together, this blog will be revived with rainbows and butterflies again.

Terrified.

2010-03-11T20:09:00.002-08:00

Every day...

An event turns up to bring me rolling down the hill a further step than the previous day.

The bucket of tears would have an additional 1/2 litre of fresh ones.

My already broken heart would require another plaster to mend another scar.

The devil appears to suck out more of my soul and demotivate me to do the things I need to accomplish.

I was full of anxiety today, with panic disorders, dizzy spells and disheartening moments.

Mid-term transcripts finally appeared in my mailbox.

*Phew*.

Thank You!!!

Even though it's not going uphill yet, I shall seek every opportunity to try and smile.

Like diz *click* :D.

Is spring anywhere near?

2010-03-08T16:07:00.003-08:00

As much as i refuse to let go of the past.

It isn't a one way street, it never is. If this is your decision to be happy.. i'll try to live with it..

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm so tired.

I was in love with my new blackberry phone (i honestly never thought id be this crazy over it until i got it), and then T-mobile screwed me over, and i really miss O2 now. See? First love never lies.

So.. this new love of mine will unfortunately be in a coma for the next few days, as painful as it will be :(. I need it to function again before the weekend, very important! :( .

Oh, and i've been feeling tired all the time recently, it's not a good sign..

This is to remind me what i need to accomplish before Easter break:

1. Patient Interview and medical report write-up
2. Sterile Products calculation preparation
3. Health Economics Assignment 3
4. Journal Club presentation next week
5. Research on Fluticasone propionate for Assignment 1
6. Go through case study for Assignment 2

That's just coursework and uni!

7. Call up Malaysia Kargo about the shipment process (they're a bunch of retards, do NOT ever use their service)
8. KICK T-MOBILE'S ASS
9. Attend a photoshoot? Im really dreading this one for some reason

I'M DYING.

This four letter word

2010-03-07T07:40:00.003-08:00

It's a matter of time until this game ends. This whole thing that's been played with me since the start of 2010. I can't beat this, it is 100x tougher than my course itself, my head's spinning just thinking about it.
Don't you just get sick of me when i keep on ranting about love? Me too. I'm a final year university student studying overseas, plus i'm Chinese and they say we should not even think about love and relationships until we graduate. I thought i've been thinking a tad bit too much since young, primary school days, but truth is i never knew what love is until 4 years ago.

And from what I learnt is... love comes at the most unexpected timing. The less you expect, the more it will happen. And the less you think, the more it will blossom. It also happens to the most unexpected people you'd ever imagine. Who would've thought?

When love is there, everything else does not seem to matter, you're just happy spending time with someone, exploring places with one person, and can definitely imagine spending the rest of your life with them. You'll find so many ways to keep your relationship going, even if it means sacrificing certain things.
You'll soon realize that trust will start building. Jealousy will decrease (it definitely won't go extinct completely) simply because trust is there. There is no need to hide any secrets, there is no need to inspect and check her diary for security (this is too extreme, if this happens, please re-consider your relationship).
You will realize that money isn't the main issue here. Stay at home and cuddle in during a month of winter holidays? Sure. Have home-cooked minced beef and spaghetti with broccoli for dinner? Sounds good! Watch a DVD at home instead of heading to the cinemas? Exactly my thoughts as well! Have some oven-ed potato wedges or home-made bubble tea for supper? Anything for you darling.
You wouldn't allow someone you love to keep on spending money on you, or the both of you. If you don't feel guilty about the fact that he keeps on forking out the money, then you do not know love.

Not that i'm a love guru. Because i can't even handle my own . I thought that, as easy as it is to fall in love, it will not be as easy to fall out of love. Did i go wrong there? That is still something i'm uncertain about.

Time changes so much... that, people change. And when people change... love isn't supposed to change. In my case, everything has. Priorities in life have been re-arranged. Even friends have earned more priority than a loved one. Is this normal? No. Doesn't seem like it. I think that... if you can't think of your girlfriend as someone more important than your friends, then you do not deserve to be in a relationship. It probably depends on circumstances as well. For example, distance. But some will say, that's no excuse :( .

If someone is supposed to feel loved, i'm probably not there right now. In fact, why do i keep picturing you finding someone else? If that happens, all i can tell myself is, that there will never be another person who will love you as much as I did. That i'm sure of, because i dare say that at this moment, i DO know what love is, and it's been quite a journey..

A day in my life

2010-03-04T04:39:00.004-08:00

Another sunny morning yet again presented itself magnificently through my window.
The sun rays always lift my spirits, and I'd think sometimes, this country IS beautiful, not just a piece of depressing, rainy .. place. Try typing (london) on skype if you use it. It's hilarious.

Lunch cooked, an episode of the vampire diaries watched (just started), facebook checked, blogging at present. 15 minutes till I step out into the sunshine, and squeeze my ass in the underground tube once again, and place myself in the lecture theatre for another boring session.

-- Blogging interrupted by phone call from dad --

The day has now passed. Oh brilliant. It was actually a pleasant day as compared to the day before. For that, i rewarded myself with a tall java chip frappucino at Starbucks for 2 hours in the evening.

I long for excitement in my life. It feels dull, there is no change. Except for the fact that people around me are disappointing lately. Not everyone mind you, *some*. And friendship, i will talk about in the next post. Really, when will i ever meet someone whom i will truly admire and look up to? Likewise, what about someone who will genuinely like me for who i am? Not just because they want something from me?

So the sun has risen and set, it's the beginning of another new day, yet again the same routine. What is missing here?
Even the ducks i see every morning seem to be at the same spot.

It's as if time stands still most of the time recently.

On the other side of the world

2010-02-27T20:27:00.001-08:00

It's in the wee hours of the morning so you can't blame me for writing an emo post now, yes i'm alerting you!

Sometimes i feel someone out there is playing with me.

Remember how i used to cry every day thinking about you. How i used to punish myself for what happened, for letting you go, everything which made me realize my love for you.

Every night of every day i would dream the impossible. I dreamed of you every night, whispering sweet things in my ear, pecking me on the cheek, holding me tight telling me that you'll never walk out on me again.
And then every morning when i woke up, i would start to cry because reality hit me.

Miraculously not long after, circumstances began to change.

Happiness was overwhelming. Love was in the air. Life seemed meaningful again, and i could sleep and wake up peacefully everyday. Studies seemed to be the hardest problem to solve then.

But fairytales can only last for a period of time cant they?

Every living day, the future seems more bleak, darker, and darker. How long more can this last..? You're there, i'm here, miles and miles apart - this doesn't work for infinity, or a lifetime.

I love you, but why can't circumstances seem to change again? People are greedy, i understand we always want more. But this is ridiculous. If there are two people who are deeply in love, is it fair to give one up because of unfortunate circumstances? Sure love is about knowing no boundaries and even letting go. But this is too much. Nobody can possibly go through such scenario unharmed.

Busy

2010-02-26T04:56:00.002-08:00

Will try blogging tonight as it's FRIDAY!!! Been such a busy 2 weeks! I really hate this term! I'm so drained, in EVERY aspect. I really, really wanna blog, everytime i think of something i want to blog about, i remember something else more important to do. GAH.

Disturbed mind, Sad heart.

2010-02-15T00:40:00.004-08:00

This feeling sucks. I'm feeling towards the depressed side, at least, nothing positive about it. And i have a sad week too. Last night, i prayed to God my life would turn around, at least, give me back the times I used to have, and the person I used to be. I hope I wasn't being demanding... everyone deserves to be happy, right?

I will elaborate on this later, I have class in less than 2 hours (it's 8.40am now). Thought i could sleep it off... i just woke up feeling even more depressed.

What's wrong with me? ... Really, what IS wrong with me?

This Valentine's

2010-02-14T21:36:00.000-08:00

"Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you add them all up, they meant that we were supposed to be together.....and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home.....only to no home I'd ever known. I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like.....magic."
- Sleepless in Seattle

"It's only in the mysterious equations of love that any logical reasons can be found. I am only here tonight because of you. You are all I am. You are all my reasons."
- A Beautiful Mind

"I would rather spend one lifetime with you -than face all the ages of this world alone"
- Lord of the Rings

"Would you still love ME if I were young and had acne? When I’m afraid of what’s under the bed? Or if I end up wetting the bed?"
- The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

"If you’re not willing to sound stupid, you’re not worthy of falling in love."
- A Lot like Love

"How about this way? I love that you get cold when it’s 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you’re looking at me like I’m nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it’s not because I’m lonely, and it’s not because it’s New Year’s Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
- When Harry Met Sally

Personal favourite:

"I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me, and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul and to me, this has always been enough."
- The Notebook.

Happy Valentine's Day to all of you lovely people out there, whether you're in love, heartbroken, alone, cold, or oblivious - i'm giving you some LOVE!

Love actually.. is all around! - Love Actually.

Time is ticking

2010-02-09T06:31:00.002-08:00

One to go.

I even dreamed I sat for the Law and Ethics paper last night, UNPREPARED. I didn't even read a single thing, and i just sat for it. With pure suffer of course *laughs*. But really, was that a sign that I should actually start preparing for this shit? Even though it's not counted, of course, i wouldn't say it'd be easy to pass :S. Argh, retarded stuff.
Been free since friday - dinner out at camden, dessert (oh by the way Camden is awfully dodgy but interesting late at night!), Westfield with the best friend and sister, Starbucks, Nandos, and i'm supposed to be out of my house soon, if not i'm gonna get slaughtered :S.
I just felt like putting my mood down in my blog right now.
So i think i'm gonna be talking about random things in this post.

Okay you know Facebook. When i first started this i never thought i'd get so obsessed with it? In fact i really did not care (that was in 2006). And then now, i'm like, crazily obsessed, or more like, abnormally addicted. It's so unhealthy i swear.. it even eats up my study time, or productive things i could be doing! In fact most of my good friends aren't even active on FB, i dont know why im on it so often. I dont think i was this obsessed with Friendster last time? I really hate this.. i feel like such a whore. And i'll make sure this stops as soon as possible :S.

Okay, next. You know blogs that have typical life stories. Nowadays they're being stereotyped for talking about their personal lives on the world wide web. Well first, it's a free world. They can write whatever they want - say whatever they want - express however they feel. EVEN if it's posting a million pictures of themselves. I don't understand why must readers get annoyed? Annoyed then leave, right? Yes i've seen a couple of blogs which got flamed, tormented, urgh... pity them. Some end up having their blogs in private. Pretty sure they didnt ask for it themselves.
Then another type are the blogs with authors who rant on and on about intelligent, quirky things that they think are heartwarming or with great moral values. Sure sure, very well indeed, but omg cut the crap. After too long on it, everything becomes so insincere. And boring! ADMIT IT, you people love reading about problems, dramas, arguments, ugly stuff!

Oh ya i recently talked to a friend who asked me don't i feel abit frustrated when people think that pharmacists are 2nd class to doctors?

DUH.

I would like to clarify that pharmacists are NOT doctors, NOR are they a CLASS BELOW doctors. Not everyone who decides to do pharmacy are those who couldn't get into medicine or dentistry. At least, im one of them! I never wanted to do medicine at all, pharmacy was my first choice. Doctors are more on diagnosis of serious illnesses and diseases. Pharmacists are experts in drugs. We handle the treatment, we decide which drugs you take! WE advise the doctors about prescription. Without pharmacists, patients will die of toxicity.

You know why this misunderstanding occurs? BECAUSE IN MALAYSIA PHARMACISTS HAVE NO SIGNIFICANCE at all. They are known as the people behind the counter who give out drugs to customers. So shallow! Here in the UK pharmacists are actually well-renowned and people actually respect them, and surveys have been conducted, that most people prefer going to the pharmacist for advice and minor ailments as compared to doctors! I dare say pharmacists in general are more friendly. You know when i was younger, i remember the doctor ALWAYS prescribing me ANTIBIOTICS for colds and coughs? OH GOD now i know how stupid that was. It only builds up resistance in your body if your sickness is caused by viruses. Antibiotics are only meant for bacterial infections, BACTERIAL. That means, really serious ones. But most of the common colds and even the all hyped up H1N1 are caused by viruses and antibiotics won't work. That's why you're getting Tamiflu (antiviral) instead. Okay maybe this isn't new anymore, i'm sure most of you know this by now right? Sorry la, i still get so angry when i think about the idiot doctors who never knew proper prescribing methods. They are the cause for our pharmaceutical industial problem on antibiotic resistence today.

Oh i think i need to go now, the sun is shining brightly today! Let's hope it won't snow again later, or become too cold!

Random rant, but anyway, i let it out, finally.

Pictures courtesy of FengYi Chan, who recently went to my dreamplace, simply know as Iceland.

Because i'm screwed anyway?

2010-02-01T20:05:00.002-08:00

... Hi.

Yes i blog more often when i have exams. Don't ask why, OH MY GOD, this isn't right at all. During high school it would have been sooo different. I would have cut contact with the cyber world, TOTALLY. But now i'm abusing it :\. And somehow i just need to. I even had a freaking good conversation with Jevi and Susie just yesterday, it honestly felt so good talking to them. Made me think alot about the friends i've made so far.. and i really miss them (ze gang) in Canada, so damn much. It's amazing how 7 months made us build such friendships and bonds. Until now i still feel myself with them, i feel happy talking to them, i remember the fun times we used to have, i remember the silly things we used to do and the dramas we used to go through together. Everything was worth it. Because everything that happened, brought us to where we are today. Sometimes i really wish i never left Canada at all... if i stayed, our friendship could have expanded and that would have been really nice, because throughout my life, i've never had SUCH fun in such a short period of time with an awesome group of friends. Not to mention i met a special someone along the way. So yeah, pretty good times, and it is moments like this, that make me feel no regrets for studying overseas in the first place. They helped me grow up, and they gave me the best memories which i keep until this very day.

jevonne, susan, andrew, keith, raynald, chew, shan, charlie, elijah

Also, i tend to waste time by taking webcam shots. Seriously, how vain can i get. Geez, but really la, when i'm stuck in my room, all i can think of is turning on the webcam and checking if i can still look pretty when i'm stressed or not (lies).

"No, it's just...you know the whole "getting on with your life" thing. Well, do I have to? I mean, I'm sitting here with this cute woman, and, and, and she's perfectly nice, and, but that there's, that's it. And um, and then I'm here talkin' to you, and, and it's easy, and it's fun, and, and I don't, I don't have to...You know......" - Ross, from F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

These eyes

2010-01-29T12:21:00.001-08:00

Hey yo!

Freaky pic of me, and quite a happy one because i was real happy then, not stressed yet.

Past few days have been tough - dealing with old age symptoms. It started out with a cold, then a sore throat, and then conjunctivitis. Yes, so i had a red eye. And 2 days later, my other eye got infected. So now both my eyes are red. How wonderful. I look so pretty now. Actually, i didn't think i felt as stressed as previous years, little did i know where it all went. So right now i'm a sick goon, struggling to focus on my upcoming exams because i think NOW i'm starting to panic.

Before i had any sicknesses :(. I dont understand how i fell sick anyway. I haven't been going out, where did the viruses and bacteria come from? Unless they remained dormant inside my body, waited until stress messed up my immune system, and ATTACCKKKKKKKED!

So it's already friday night, and i haven't eaten dinner AGAIN. Running out of ideas on what to eat, cook also limited stuff lar, as if i have so much time to experiment on food. After exams, i'm gonna try experimenting if i have the time.

So i've been thinking... if a person you care is a changed person, do you:
(1) accept the changes and for who he is and deal with it or
(2) strictly believe that a changed person doesn't make the person the same anymore ?

Sometimes i dont know, who to fall back to. Like now, i'm actually feeling rather.. sick, and stressed, nothing new, but i cannot whine to anyone. Somehow, the comfort isn't there - like, i don't know, if i will merely get ignored, or shoo-ed, or just, being told off to "deal with it".

In that case id rather not confide, right?

Hm, that's my red eye. The left one in case you're as blind as i am. This was taken before my other eye got infected this morning. My sis said, "well at least they look the same now". Words of comfort T__T.

This... looks... positively...

2010-01-27T06:50:00.002-08:00

LAME.

I watched the trailer on TV once, rolled my eyes 5 times throughout, switched channel everytime the trailer appeared again.

THIS IS SO TYPICAL AND IT'S NO LONGER EXCITING OR INTERESTING ANYMORE! AND I CANT BELIEVE SOME 30 YEAR OLDS ARE STILL READING THE FREAKING BOOK.

Two paths diverged

2010-01-26T07:37:00.002-08:00

Should not be thinking about this right now especially when exams are nearing (so near, so near it frightens me), but really, where do i want to be 5 years down the road?

5 years ago, i was preparing to take the biggest step of my life. It wasn't even planned months ahead, at most, 3 weeks. It was such a sudden departure, that my friends were not very pleased at that time. It was during SPM, and to me, it was exciting news to finally study in a foreign country, and i was going to CANADA! The country where not many students thought of going then, because it's just too bloody far! To them, it was selfish and dreadful news. What? How could i possibly plan such sudden thing, and leave everyone i loved? That time, all i wanted to do was venture out and see what else the world had in store for me. I wanted to go on an adventure, without boundaries. I wanted to see myself excel in somewhere new. I was *this* close to studying A'levels in Taylors College though, if it weren't for the sudden decision.

Then now here i am, still stuck in a foreign country, except im not in Canada anymore. UK is alot gloomier and somehow brings in the aura of loneliness. I've been in London for almost 4 years, studying (well not quite my ass off) and exploring, and growing up to be independent. But i'm still not happy with it. I mean, i AM happy, but i feel incomplete, because now i dont know which direction to go. 5 years ago i vowed to never return to my home country, based on advices and the corrupted country itself. But after 5 years at present, i actually have the slightest urge to return to where i belong. But why isn't it getting any better? Everyday i read the news, that country gets worse and worse, day by day. It discourages me, but at the same time it hurts me so bad. Do you not want me to go home? Same goes for the rest of the other Malaysians studying overseas? To think about returning to a country with no future and hope, what is there to look forward to other than the fawesome food?

I'm not degrading my country, but why are there so many political, racism, religious issues going on? And many of them are very embarassing (you could guess which i'm talking about). In fact, i still love and miss my country very much :(. It's just, there are so many obstacles to consider. So pray tell, where should i go? I mean, does the phrase 'there is no place like home' even applies anymore?

Too many questions in my head, no answers.

Hello Seattle

2010-01-20T16:29:00.004-08:00

Today was an absolute craze.

I sat for two tests today, or more accurately, two NEGATIVELY MARKED MCQ tests. Which means that if you answer one question correct, you get one point. But if you answer the next question wrongly, you get zero in the end (minus 1). How freaking annoying is that? No matter how well you thought you did, in the end the score isn't very high! At least thats what happened in my case. And to think the average score in my Epilepsy class was within the range 30-50%. Some people even said 50% is good already! :(. Seriously? :(.

So my morning did not start out very well.

I normally leave my house 45 mins before class starts. My test today was at 11am. So today, I left my house 1 hour before. I was happily skipping into the tube, and 20 minutes later I realized that I was still stuck not far from where i departed. After awhile, they made an announcement, "ladies and gentlemen, please be informed that the Jubilee line has SEVERE DELAYS between Stratford and Wembley Park. Please be warned that the journey (from Waterloo) to Wembley Park now will be extremely SLOW". I looked at the time, SHIT, 10.40AM?! I only had 20 minutes to reach uni! I panicked, ran out of the tube, took alternative routes. Stepped into class, panting like a dog, at 11.05am... having the whole class STARED at me. How embarassing! Took my seat, i was sweating (still panting), and even while doing my test, i sensed some people still staring. HOI WAD YOU LOOKIN' AT HUH PUNK?! =_=. ARGH! Okay but of course everyone eventually got too busy answering the questions.
Oh, and also, the shortcut route to my class room today was BLOCKED by a bunch of moronic, inconsiderate FIRST YEARS. Just because they were entering this lecture theatre, they blocked the whole door which would have led me right to the class room 2 mins earlier! Stupid kids.

Had such a long, stressful, day, thank goodness i'm back now.

Thank goodness the MCQs didn't turn out as difficult as i thought they might be. HOWEVER, because it was NEGATIVELY marked, my marks were not so high. ARGH, super frustrating! I think i was so damn tired. Class finished at 6pm, lingered around uni till 7pm, reached home at 8pm. Cooked dinner (pasta) for sis and I, watched American Idol season 9 on TV.
OH MY GOD talking about American Idol, today's episode showed the Chicago auditions, and finally, ONE ASIAN (oriental) dude is going to Hollywooooodddd! :D.

His name is John Park, so, obviously a Korean! :). His voice is absolutely fantastic, who knows! I might become a HUGE FAN eventually :D. He doesn't look too bad too, does he?! Abit too jay chou-ish at certain angles :S.

But my favourite contestant remains the famous LARRY PLATT, with his overnight-fame original "Pants on the ground". So freaking cool, that lad yo! "Pants on the ground! Pants on the ground! Lookin' like a FOOL with yer pants on the ground!". HILARIOUS.

So now it's midnight, and I have not started studying for today :(. But, i'm too damn tired to even take out my notes right now. No idea why the exhaustion, but i reckon it's due to the amount of stress and running I did in the morning. I think most of my stress came from the stupid tube delays! I really hope this doesn't happen during EXAMS :(.

And, i really feel like having someone to hold me right now. Not being corny or pathetic, it's true! :(. Everybody wants to feel loved right?
At least i'm not egoistic enough to pretend i don't need love. READ THAT.

Lastlyyy...

I love you too much.

The only mistake I ever did, was trying not to hurt anyone. But now it's all clear to me, I think you should know.

Isolation

2010-01-17T06:51:00.001-08:00

It's the exam period again. And AGAIN, revision is going nowhere, how many times have you seen me blog about this!? I swear, it happens EVERY year.

I was introduced to Vanilla Twilight by Owl City recently. Gorgeous song... in fact, i think Owl City is fantastic. I love all of their tracks, and if you're a sentimental, dreamy person like me at times, i suggest you try listening to their album. Stress-relieving!

If my heart was a house

2010-01-16T11:35:00.005-08:00

Yet again I lie in this cold, cold room, with no heating and with a broken heart. Dead inside, I roll out of bed nonchalantly trying to put my thoughts together. No clue how to express this to anyone, no idea who would understand, hm.. blog about it? So yet another emotional post from me, as if it's going to make a difference - i've been portraying myself as such a person for thousands of years now. Fuck it.
For approximately 20 weeks have gone by, not a single morning has passed by without thoughts of you in my head. It is always a mixed feeling for me to have a conversation with you. The initial stage would be ecstatic to say the least, but as the debate goes on and on, at the end of the day we both end up in agony, confusion, anger, stress, name it, you got it. I have an extra thing, though, i bawl my fucking eyes out. All. the. fucking. time. We both know what happened in the past was "wrong", or "despicable", or even a sin, but how many times do I need to clarify the meaning of a mistake. A mistake that lies within me until now, that I have never forgiven myself, I punish myself everyday, sometimes wish if my life could be taken away, a guilt like this does not need to be in the shadows. But no, at times, I can stand up again. At times, i fall back down. But every morning, it's a vicious cycle. But this time, once i decide a strong stand, can i just move on without thinking anymore? Someone i love or loved has been hurt by me, hardly a pinch of forgiveness is sensed to this point, and i feel i've given my all... my heart, my attention, my time, my effort, my love. My tears... yes, my tears... they've gone out of control for so long. It's no wonder, my looks have changed. Call it uglier to be direct, i'd prefer "different". Or maybe even, "sadder", truth be told.. although I smile, my eyes cannot lie. Probably that is why this constant problem happened in the first place, i cannot lie. I'm an honest person, and with someone I love, lies are definitely out of the way.. even if it's going to end up sour a person like me cannot live with the guilt. So that's why i told u everything that's happened, 5 months ago, and of course, as I should have seen it, everything went from bad to worse. It's like a never ending suicide, what i did.. I feel like i jumped from the top of a high waterfall, yet to reach the bottom of it. How, fucking, painful, is that? It's like you want to die, but you cant. I was left in obscurity for 7 days.. you seemed so austere, I didn't think you'd wanted me back, after I told you how we could try harder. You seemed so sure of saying I don't deserve you as long as my feelings were not as fiery anymore. 7 days of tears. I was.. blinded, susceptible, vulnerable, what's the right word? Whatever the hell it was, I was left pressured, not knowing what to do, which in the end, took the wrong step. Fell into the wrong hole, as I didn't "belong" to you anymore, that was why I couldn't treat you the same, what was happening was not a past time to me, I couldn't possibly escape prison without an eventual strategy. But you took it the wrong way.. you thought I was being obnoxious, unappreciative, and selfish. Perhaps I was, but why couldn't you understand.. how.. pain and sorry I felt? I loved you. You know.. I can admit how stupid, foolish and gullible I was.. because saying sorry is not trying to prove I can overcome my ego, but I sincerely appreciated our relationship with all my heart. But of course, what does a word do? So because of one incident, you turned everything against me.. suddenly the vision of an angel who was once sent down from heaven gave you all the happiness and love in the world, turned into a black devil in disguise this whole time. Thats how you see me at the moment, don't you. So everything I gave before (you have no fucking idea how much i loved you) has been shredded to pieces, the glass once full is not even empty now, but broken and spilled. The good memories of me, have been stored, in the back of the closet, out with the dust, forgotten, and scorned. Hence you admire other lovers who have beautiful starlets as a significant other, but how much do you know, if she has skeletons in her closet? Not everyone can be as honest as me, and definitely not everyone is a bad actor, like me. So we've come to this point that even looking at me wounds you, what am I to say? I am so speechless, I think my heart stopped beating. Stopped beating for life, stopped beating for love.

So here I am again, typing away, neglecting my necessary revision for upcoming two tests on Wednesday, exams the following week. Despite being my final year, i've lost all inspiration, as per usual, except this time it is definitely, a change. Thinking what I should do, im losing all focus. After the ordeal I cried so loudly in my bed, tears pouring down my cheeks like faucet, stuffing my face under the cold blanket as I released every inch of my pain, sadness and dissatisfaction. Not very nice to let my sis hear me, was it? Eyes red and tumescent, literally, I drifted into the place i wish i could stay and never come back. I dozed off, passed dinner time, trying to put myself together, and motivate myself with words in my head. Exams first, exams first, exams first - almost like a chant. We'll see if that works. So, just like the snow, it feels like the season is finished, gone.. after all, I have given my best, it does hurt still, but you chose this path. But you know.. everything I told you was because I still loved you so deeply.. even though I knew it would have probably come to this.. I just hope you know.. how sincerely sorry I have been, and am, that i've done quite a few sacrifices, to hopefully, receive forgiveness eventually. I would have said an oath if I had to.. just to reassure you of everything that I meant. After all, being the soulmate for years, what more of me is there left, that you don't know? But.. should I prepare myself, should you discover a new butterfly, down along this path you chose..? With up-to-date conversations, it is not impossible. What ever happens, whether it rains or shines, I should probably go back to where I came from. Probably, all my duty was to love you since you found me. Accomplished perhaps, it's time to go.

Down with migraine

2010-01-11T11:23:00.003-08:00

I feel so sick... :(.

Having a terrible migraine at the moment... been having it since 5am...

I can't even have a proper sleep. AND I'M HAVING EXAMS IN FEW WEEKS. WHY GOD WHY :(.

Anyone suffers from migraine occasionally too? Any home remedies you could recommend? :(.

I'm in desperate need to get rid of this problem. Been having two migraine attacks in 2 weeks now. Never before it has been this often.

And i studied about this... ugh, not helping. I refuse to even take the medication for it... geez. What kind of pharmacy student...

OKay i don't care, i need to do some revision whether it kills me or not :(.

That was the year.

2010-01-02T08:03:00.010-08:00

And so, this marks the start of the year 2010. 2009 was crap. Even if i had fun during the summer, everything else just empowered the positive things in life. Definitely an eye-opener. You know it's so annoying... everytime something BIG happens, i stick my nose high up thinking i've learned and achieved the biggest turbulent in life, but every year, i seem to open up to something completely new. Not like i can take it, I CANT!!! There seems to be always something ahead of me which i am yet to learn and find out, i can just pray that turning 21 stopped right there :S. Though i positively doubt it, i'm sure that by the year 2011, i will have something to say about 2010. I wonder what...

So here is a brief re-cap of what comes to my mind at the moment, of how 2009 has been for me. If you're thinking "who the hell cares" then fuck off because this is not a Facebook status shit, it happens to be my blog and diary in case you haven't noticed. Oh gosh, my first 2010 post and i've already started the vulgarity =_=. Seriously these days, i am not in the best of moods.

I have to warn though, that, alot of these photos will contain contents that no longer exist this year. IF you're smart you will get what i mean.

For 2008's recap, please click here.
And for 2007's sort-of-recap (more like what i learned from it), click here.
And! for 2006's review, click here!

Yes, ive been blogging for a long time. And if you notice, the way i blog has changed... i hate my archives actually, i wish to delete the really early ones :S. But nevermind, for memories sake (i have a terrible memory by the way).

Anyway, here's a brief recap on how 2009 has been for me.

Actually... i don't even have the energy to do this. More like, i don't have the motivation to, i don't see the point... to me, 2009 was left hanging, the biggest question in my head is unsolved to this day. That is why i don't feel like finalizing 2009.

But i can't deny the fact that 2009 is indeed over. I just can't blog about it much because i don't want to be reminded of certain events... which, i think most of you should understand by now.

I will just remind everyone and myself of the biggest achievement I had in 2009!!! :D.

Successfully completed by final year project and written dissertation - completely originally written okay :).

I experienced the life of a working woman yo. Actually, i was proud to be accepted by Merck Sharp & Dohme to do my industrial placement/final year project, like, seriously. I've never felt such pride that I have actually done something useful in my life?

I experienced NO EASTER BREAK. Maybe for like, 5 days OVER THE WEEKEND... but not the usual 3 week break we normally have at uni! It was horrible! :(. But at least i got to spend it wisely and i really got the rest i needed!

The amount of books i read within 3 months was amazing... i've never read so many books in AGES because of uni work. But the whole 3 months i've been travelling for 4 hours to and fro... what do i do on the tube/train? I READ :D. And a good book will never fail to keep me from feeling bored just sitting there... woohoo! Anyway, traveling never felt better :p.

Lastly, i've never felt summer was so enjoyable until the end of my placement. Seriously, i appreciated my summer holidays a LOT more :).

A question for you - Did i look happier then? YES. (How ironic to the fact that i said 2009 was crap).

Happy 2010! :).

Les Miserables, Avatar 3d and 2010.

2009-12-30T10:51:00.003-08:00

Watched two VERY, VERY outstanding shows within these 2 weeks. One was a musical at a London theatre, and one was the forever hyped up recent movie, AVATAR.

I went to watch Les Miserables with the family last week, it was not a disappointment. The performances and singing blew me away! I even had my friend help download the whole soundtrack for me :). Thanks FY! I'm too lazy to elaborate on the story line, but it was during the French Revolution, and it would definitely help if you do some reading on this before watching the musical because a little bit of background helps with the understanding. If not, it could be a LITTLE bit confusing. But otherwise, excellent!

I really loved them all. There were even a few good looking dudes, hoho.

Then just last night, my sister and i went to catch Avatar in 3d.

I had high expectations for this movie :p. Based on reviews and of course, people's rants on facebook, MSN, blogs, twitter, etc.

They were met, but I think next time i shall not set any expectations. Ahem.

Graphics were DUDEEEEEE... out of this world. Amaziinng!
Story line was simple - but so meaningful! Aww...! Obviously James Cameron was trying to tell us something there... after watching this who wouldn't wanna be part of the Na'vi and stay in Pandora!? I felt ashamed of being human (always had anyway) but he really did a fantastic, EMOTIONAL job on this.

Definitely best rated film of the year... truly loved it despite the simple and obvious story line. I even feel like buying the game now :\. New year's gift for myself? :\.

So tomorrow is NEW YEAR'S EVE... what are your plans? I am definitely going to have something quiet - i like it that way :).

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! LETS WELCOME 2010 WITH WARM HEARTS. Goodbye 2009, we had so many memories, that id actually like to forget some... but you have taught me well. I hope 2010 will be much better. Better health, more happiness, more love, and as always, a prosperous year! Best wishes to everyone i love dearly :).

The Dejected Heart

2009-12-28T12:25:00.001-08:00

They're gone. Left. Now the peace and quiet overwhelms me again.

This time it hurts so much. My heart sinks down to the bottom of my stomach. I look around me, nothing I can find to hold on to. Nobody to wrap arms around me to tell me that everything's going to be okay. I sigh, take a fleece blanket and wrap myself warm, convincing myself that there is someone out there who cares if they knew.

Baby cries from afar. You're lucky, i think. You have the attention from everyone, even me. Little do you know how that might change...

So here i am again, blogging at dinner's time, not eating - feeling chilly in my already warm flat. Back in my bedroom, feeling very melancholic. It was just a month ago when the excitement started, until i almost couldn't breathe. Saw them, screamed in joy. Was in heaven for 12 days, and right now, my time of happiness is over. In this pensive mood, all I do is stare at the laptop screen. All i think about is sleeping the days away. I dread new year's eve celebrations because i hate crowds. Never again will i travel free to watch fireworks.

Time keeps ticking away. I know this sounds positively emo, but my soul is no doubt lost somewhere in the cold right now :S, and i think it's going to be stranded for awhile... until a miracle happens.

What Christmans Means To Me

2009-12-25T07:02:00.001-08:00

Had the best christmas feast in years on the eve last night!

Christmas has always been the best time of the year for me, the most important and the most special. For years i have been away from home, I have not been able to fulfill this time of the year with the greatest love of all. But this year, finally, they're here with me :). Some people wont understand why it's so important to me, why so special anyway? I've got a history with this certain time of the year everyone... and although Christmas can either be merry or lonely, I will always love the season. After all, tis' the season to be jolly! Im loving the winter, the decorations, the tree, the mistletoes, the presents, the turkey feast, the wine glasses clinking... and of course, the love.

Christmas has never been better, with them around! Merry Christmas everyoneee. Im praying everyone i love is not lonely and in pain on this wonderful day. Bless you all!

A White Christmas

2009-12-23T17:04:00.001-08:00

Looks like my dream for a WHITE CHRISTMAS is finally coming true, for the FIRST TIME! Although BBC Weather report states that it will be sunny on the 25th, at least, this is the first time in a LONG TIME, that london has snowed before Christmas! The ugly side though, it's been causing some severe disruptions in transportations, particularly in Europe, and many people have died of the cold, mostly in Poland. How insane is that. And here i am, enjoying the snow. But sometimes the ice and frost can be bloody annoying - like how i fell flat on my butt 3 days ago. Thank goodness nobody else walked past. I laughed it off.

And guess who else are in London for xmas this year?

The Tung family reunited! Very happy, haven't celebrated with them for years now; so this year is particularly special to me :). Although this year, i do not have a significant other to actually, snuggle with... anymore. Well, you win some, you lose some?

Nevertheless, it's been a great week so far.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! HAPPY HOLIDAYS! We should be prepared to bid goodbye to 2009 very very soon! Hopefully i'll blog before that happens ;p.

GOD BLESS EVERYONE THIS CHRISTMAS :). THE BEST TIME OF THE YEAR.

21st Birthday Celebrations (2)

2009-12-12T18:40:00.002-08:00

So, continuining from where i left off...

Mou came down to London from Nottingham for my birthday and of course, just for a visit :p. So happened to fall on my birthday weekend right? HAHAHA. Who am i kidding. Anyway so i was his tour guide for 2-3 days and i honestly dont think i did a very good job. Weather didnt help either, stupid rainy wet shithole. Anyway, had korean hotpot+bbq with sis as well, favouriteee :D.

Cut the cake at home. As you can see, we have a Christmas tree this year! :D. Verryyyy pleased with it. And the shelf you see behind? It now has a teevee! Veryyyy veryyyy pleased. Yes yes. Hopefully everything else goes well.
And thank youuuu Mou and my sisterrrrr for singing to me and observing me cut the cake at 12am on the 29th Nov. 2009 lol.

Had dinner @ Cafe East with Jocelyn, Julian and Loc on my bithday night itself. Watched Paranormal Activity after. Ugh, horror movie on my birthday!!! I dont think anyone really enjoyed that movie though...

Went ice-skating @ Tower Hill with a long-time friend (met since 1st yr), Feng Yi! Or as we always call him - fungus! After 2 years finally met up with him again! And yeah you can find my old posts about him back in 2006! :D.

So thank you everyone! Once again!

I have a simple question - don't you think birthdays should be celebrated with people you ENJOY being with? Why do some people force themselves to celebrate their birthdays with people they find "annoying" or, rather, people they complain about? Honestly, it gets a bit... confusing. Trying to be polite here... ;p.

21st Birthday Celebrations

2009-12-12T18:29:00.002-08:00

Quite an eventful one, actually. Well i'm not a person who enjoy a HUGE-ASS party inviting hundreds of not-so-close people and not getting to talk to each and everyone personally... so I just organized a few small celebrations with people who matter to me. It started out with dinner with CeeTee and Jonathan, at TenTenTei @ Soho. I love Jap foood!

With CeeTee and Jonathan - Ten Ten Tei; Haagan Dazs.

The next was with a few coursemates - also an exciting one, roller disco! First time attempting that, it was pretty fun! :D.
Nilu, Liz, Julian, Loc, Hannah and i @ Rebato's for dinner/Renaissance Rooms for roller disco.

Colourful is the way to go!

Best part - Mou came down from Nottingham! His first time in London... it was rather sweet of him to come down, no? :p. Thank you MouHuang!

Well since picasa/blogger only allows me to post up four pics at a time, i will continue this in the next post!

Deadlines!

2009-11-30T16:45:00.001-08:00

I am currently in the mood of stressing out because im rushing to meet deadlines for my coursework! I can't believe how fast this term has passed - in less than 2 weeks we'll be breaking off for CHRISTMAS break! Im quite excited but for now, im just tooooo stressed to think about holidays! In fact, i just had the awesome-est BIRTHDAY weekend! OF course i didnt do any work then i was too busy enjoying!

I'M 21 NOW! No im not so happy! But i must admit i've grown up alot since 18?! In all honesty!

Unfortunately reality is hitting on me now - and i need to say this, i really hate group work! It's either you need to rush them to do work, or they rush YOU to do work. When in the end you know it will work out anyway? Basically, different people require different pace when it comes to meeting deadlines right? Thats why group work NEVER works out well. And although i supposedly am a team player - honestly, do u think anyone actually is? Bloody bullshit right? Gosh i dont know what im saying anymore, i cant be bothered already! Just need to get everything over and done with. Then i'll blog about everything else i missed!

You crack me up

2009-11-21T20:34:00.001-08:00

Today has been a rather pleasant day, despite the rain, indoor videos of ANTM and cleaning up (yes, i DO housework).

I'm just wondering... is there anything else that could make me feel alot happier? There is still a missing piece, that i can't quite seem to figure out.

Side note, i totally hate the winner of ANTM cycle 13. Period. Laura deserved to win SO much more.

A year older a year wiser

2009-11-18T18:31:00.001-08:00

Guess what!

It's her birthday! Go go, wish her! :). She's reached the final "teen" age! HOORAH!

I'm so crushed

2009-11-13T16:05:00.001-08:00

I really... really...

Hate myself.

They really know how to make someone feel even more useless than they already are. It's too much for me to handle. WHY? WHY? WHY?

All i see is darkness in my future now. I mean, i SERIOUSLY feel like its the end of the world. NOT EMO-ing seriously i'm feeling VERY very down. Very down... :'(.

Oxford

2009-11-12T17:31:00.001-08:00

And here comes Oxford. Enjoy.

Aquae Sulis

2009-11-08T19:19:00.001-08:00

It's approaching Christmas... so soon. I know when I see these cute red cups at Starbucks. And when their new menu comes up. Yay to toffee nut and gingerbread latte!

The moment is perfect when i'm sitted on a comfy sofa in a quiet Starbucks, with toffee nut latte in my hands; with a good book to add. Unfortunately on that day, i was stuck with journal articles on Avastin and Topiramate (yes, google them, they're drugs).

Monotonous moment aside... last month, a few friends and i drove up to Bath! It was for Charmion's birthday, but she drove us there, and gosh she's a bloody good driver. It was very exciting because i've never been on a road trip with friends here before! Bath was beautiful.

Wanted to blog about Oxford and Nottingham as well, but can't be arsed to edit the photos now. Perhaps another day. In the mean time... i have... a throat to take care of, tons of coursework to finish off, and a good night's sleep to catch.

And so Monday comes again. Time just seems to pass by in a blink of an eye, why can't my heart move that fast too?

P/s: You can actually click on the photos to ENLARGE. I know they're a little tiny, sorry!

Sore to the Throat

2009-11-05T19:59:00.003-08:00

Having a terrible sore throat at the moment.

I just feel like slitting my throat right now, and drown it with ice or anaesthetic or something. Anything to reduce the pain =_=.

I need to mention this here though; Chao's and my presentation on metabotropic glutamate receptors (antiepileptic target) yesterday was unexpected. I know i definitely stammered and blurted out a few mistakes. Damn i hate being nervous. But at the end of it, woo woo surprise surprise. We were actually the best group. Ironic huh? I think it was the briefing document that did it. Definitely not how we presented. Because i never practised! This term has wayyy tooo manyyy presentations. And im still not pro in them. WHY?! It's so frustrating!

This year (final year) i target to travel as much as i can! And when i say travel i probably mean visiting other parts of the UK. Not europe, unless i have very free time. And if i have money to spare. We'll see! I really, really, want to visit Iceland though. Not the supermarket.

Oh and oh my God... read this - Three Bald Bears on BBCNews

... poor bears :\.

Feast your eyes.

2009-10-28T21:51:00.002-07:00

What I had for dinner.

OMG yummy? Japanese food makes me a happy happy girl. HAI! :).

P/S: CLICK TO ENLARGE.

Unbelievable

2009-10-27T14:10:00.001-07:00

I can't help myself...

No matter how upset I get, I cannot help smiling when I look at you, the things you do. I know that no matter how long it will be, there will always be something about you for me to adore, deep down inside. You're amazing.

Nicotine

2009-10-25T19:24:00.002-07:00

Currently working on an assignment on nicotine dependence. Which is oddly, taking me ages.

Such a co-incidence...

That every f*cking small thing reminds me of you. Even this? Thank goodness that is not my part to care anymore. Like, why did i even bother putting in so much effort for years when they were ignored anyway?

Smoking is NASTY.

Are the memories worth the pain

2009-10-22T19:28:00.004-07:00

Tears are the words the heart can't express.

I have no heart.

2009-10-22T18:56:00.003-07:00

I had a heart and it was true.

It fled from me.

And went to you.

Be kind to it.

As I have done.

For you have two.

And I have none.

I hope these photos were enough of a distraction and an adequacy of a pleasant introduction.

Because now i'm not feeling on top of the world. Bryan received a final outstanding electricity bill we owe throughout the whole of last year because the meter reading was underestimated all the while, and the figure on the bill almost gave me a heart attack.

I have a lot of coursework due by next week which i have no motivation to start, or do. I wonder if my team members think i'm inadequate? A slacker?

I missed breakdancing class today due to lack of mood and thought i'd have too much work.

I have not heard from any community pharmacies I applied for pre-reg to. It's so demotivating to carry on staying in this country.

I hate this term's 2-days-a-week schedule. Seems pretty slack; but im bored as hell. I could go out, but that means spending $$$. End up rotting in my room trying to do work but end up thinking too much about irrelevant issues. This year's fees isn't worth it at all. Money sucking uni!

I was going through my archives, which now i realize, was a bad idea. I think i'm the type of person who likes to reminisce the past, but the good times. I somehow don't linger much on the bad times... i thought that's good. But in this case, it's only making things worse.

I just wonder... do you hate me now? Do your family members hate me too? Or ... subconsciously... do I hate you?

It's amazing how emotions can turn 360 degrees around. I guess things are not the way they were before, and never will.

You used to shine so bright; but i watched all of it fade

2009-10-18T17:16:00.004-07:00

Never thought i'd be this weak when it comes to love or whatever shit they call it. Especially not now, not even sure if this is considered mature, or immature. You see, people like me will go on insisting it IS mature and it is no where near kiddy infatuation... but how well do we actually know how the situation really is?

I hate being judged, im sure you do too... so it's best to just. LISTEN. and be thoughtful about it as a friend. You may not understand how my feelings are, but being there and trying to understand is good enough for me. For anyone who's under the weather in fact.

They say time will heal. But how great is time? Before i know it, time will change me into another person, just like how it changed someone i deeply loved. And then? Back to square one? A series of deja vu?
Might as well don't start anything in the first place, such as, love.

So some "wise" guy who happens to be a long time friend of mine whom i havent talked to since the end of secondary school days just told me this today on windows live messenger.

" you never really get to be with the person you truly fall in love with..never works out..
its dumb and unfair la..but its a fact of life la..".

An even better reason to not start anything, such as, love ;).

"All this time I was wasting
Hoping you would come around
I've been giving out chances every time
And all you do is let me down".

- Taylor Swift.

P/s: I'm sorry if i give out plenty of negative aura in my blog posts lately, but that's only my way of trying to move on with my life. And my method is not : chirpy birds, colourful butterfly wings and painted unicorns. Too bad.

ANTM Cycle 13

2009-10-17T19:00:00.004-07:00

I know i'm a little late but only recently i found *some* time to start watching America's Next Top Model Cycle 13 (started Sept.2009) so i'm currently in Episode 6, just after Bianca has been eliminated.

BUT I FEEL IT'S NOT FAIR! I kind of liked her? She has some really gentle aura that does not appear in her looks and to be honest i think her stylist has not been very fair to her =_=. I mean, did you see the photoshoot (nude and posing with the horse and jockey) where she was given BLONDE long hair :S. That looked SO wrong... and i don't blame her for looking like (as according to Tyra) "oooh, someone farted?".

But i gotta admit...

This made me laugh SOOOOOOOOOOO HAAAARRRDDDDDDDDD.

I don't mean to HONESTLY! I really liked her, and i wished she didn't have to leave! I miss her you know!!!

Okay, i'm laughing again. SORRY!!! It's just, this picture does NOT do you any justice :(.

Busy Week

2009-10-12T17:54:00.003-07:00

Gosh, major presentation this week. And for those who know me well, i HATE presentations. Actually, i was fine with them back home last time. But now... i hate them to the core.

And i realized quite a number of my coursemates hate doing presentations too. I was surprised, considering they speak very well mmhrmm... yup you know what i mean. So during a class the professor asked us why do we not like doing presentations and one girl answered, "Afraid of being judged".

Which is very true, and i never thought much about it before. I never gave much thought as to why i despise doing presentations because once i freak out on something, i close all doors. But now i kind of know... but it still doesn't help.

Anyway, this week, is super busy. Two appointments with two professors, one major presentation, plus my classes which are supposed to be only twice a week this term.

But this week i'm in practically every day.

Such a random rant at 2am. I'm off!

Twilight Series

2009-10-12T08:39:00.007-07:00

You know the book series.

And the movies.

But to tell you my personal opinion...

The Twilight series are a bunch of airy, empty shells of fantasy. Basically if I read these books, I gain nothing. No knowledge. Nothing new and realistic. People have asked me why haven't i read the books why don't i read them before watching the movie but I have never told the real reason why. I always say "err no time" or "reading something else now" or "dont bother to, movie will do". Because i feel that reading these books is a waste of precious time, energy and brain space. I actually hate the story line and as much as I love vampires, these just won't do... not with the love story bit... NO. And to be frank, i felt like an airhead after reading one chapter from "Twilight" by Stephenie Meyer. I stopped right there.

But why do i bother watching the movie(s)? (New Moon is not released yet by the way).

Wah... lazy to find pictures already. But you get the idea :P. RIGHT?!

So... nope, the movies arent a waste of time ;).

Who do you smile at?

2009-10-10T17:45:00.004-07:00

When we were younger, parents, teachers, uncles, aunties (anymore?) used to tell us to smile at strangers... smile at everyone. Because smiles make the world go round.

But these days... when i attempt to smile at a stranger, i just get stalked until the junction where my flat is situated. The ferk? That is why i dont smile these days. And it's not because im unfriendly! And no i'm not SAD either, just because i dont smile much, doesnt mean im sad all the time! Stop judging me damn it.

Used?

2009-10-10T08:55:00.003-07:00

Has it ever occurred to you... (or me) that I might have been "used" for years? So why am i sorry for small things? Bah sometimes i'm so fickle minded...

Sorry (1)

2009-10-09T19:31:00.004-07:00

I'm sorry for the times I cried out I didn't like you sleeping beside me whenever things didn't go my way, when in fact, I wanted you to just hold me and tell me you'll be by my side no matter how much I struggle, cry, or scream.

The day finally came...

2009-10-02T16:43:00.003-07:00

:D.

2 months work! Not to say i did it superbly fantastic but er, i did do my best... and honestly, it was a PAIN.

I just handed it in today! :D. Super happy. I can jump for joy safely now. I've been so caught up with this shit for the whole summer :\. ERGH, i hate dissertations. Ah, well now that's done so i can sit back... relax... for... at least a day or two. And then next crisis - finding a pre-registration training place in London. FAAACKK.

The whole point of this pic is to show you how THICK it is. Not thick enough? I'm over the word limit by 4k... die-ed much?

I hope they don't penalize me. YIKES now i'm panicking. Ferk. Maybe i should just chill because it's over and done with?

The back cover of my thesis. I CHOSE RED, duh. By the way, the binding+comb+transparent cover+back cover = 2 pounds. Not so bad huh.

By the way, i'm thinking of taking up breakdancing class. Yeah, finally. I should just get my ass out nowadays. I've been looking too much of a zombie lately, if you've seen my recent facebook photos.

Alright... i'm still worried about my dissertation. If i don't get a good mark... i don't know. Don't want to think about it :\.

Anyways this weekend - off to MANDI in the yewkay! :). Go figure.

Readers

2009-09-29T06:30:00.004-07:00

Ohh, and i realized most of my readers (90%) are not from Malaysia (or currently not located there). This is refreshing! LoL, makes it even better. Cheers guys! :).

Stand up.

2009-09-29T06:14:00.003-07:00

I must regain my focus :(. Term is starting in a week and im not the least bit prepared. Plus, i need to give presentations on my project which i did during spring 2009 :(. All of a sudden ive lost confidence and the skills needed to present something in public. I feel like words cant come out of me anymore... Nothing... Maybe just a stoned, fearful and unhappy face. How can i change that? Why of all times.

Status: Not on talking terms.

Stabs

2009-09-28T17:25:00.004-07:00

My head is throbbing. My chest is tightening. My legs are weak and wobbly. My focus is drifting. My heart has been used and forgotten. Perhaps replaced.

Oh, what have i gotten myself into?

A (Worse) Change?

2009-09-27T08:48:00.005-07:00

Yesterday a friend of mine (who coincidentally is going through a RATHER similar ordeal as I am) skyped with me. Hm, haven't done that in ages, i thought. Might as well try.

Video call on.

3 seconds later...

She: BABE ARE YOU OKAY?!

Me: YA WHY? O_O.

She: YOUR EYES DAMN BENGKAK!

Me: ... HUH is it?! I didn't cry also.

She: YA OMG.

Me: ...

Life changing situations can really change how a person look. I never knew until I experienced it myself. I mean... look how unattractive i have become :S. Geez. Wtf.

So Many Missed.

2009-09-27T07:11:00.003-07:00

There is so much i want to blog about. How the summer went, what i did, where i went... but i cant... simply because...

PHOTOBUCKET CANNOT UPLOAD MY PHOTOS FAST ENOUGH >.<. Can't be my connection, grr okay. So i gave up uploading photos and allowed facebook to do it all :).

So I wanted to blog about my beach trips. Bali, Port Dickson, and oh, i've done Lang Tengah haven't I. Then some other random outings which meant alot to me. I wanted to write stories out before they faded off from my memory bank =_=. But they're already half gone now...

So until my photos are uploaded, i shall blog normally (in other words, in the more *ho-hum* boring way). Sorry if this tires your eyes, because i know how it feels to keep reading without a single photo. Can be very, very, exhausting :P.

I am considering starting a new blog. I like this blog address though so im thinking of keeping it. I just want to change the layout, and put my archives (in other words, MY MEMORIES) behind. Probably store them somewhere and grow cobwebs... then maybe, one day... i might... MIGHT... dig them out again, if my heart is capable of doing so.

But right now, as much as i know... my heart needs a fresh, new start. I think I should do something about it. Dont you think?

Because i didn't have any ways to contact you...

2009-09-24T08:11:00.003-07:00

Happy 23rd birthday... :).
I'll miraculously hope you see this :p.

Love, from London.

Throw Away...

2009-09-23T19:40:00.004-07:00

... Those memories. Forget the happiness I thought I had. Forget the dreams I thought would come true. Forget the person who I used to be. Forget how I used to be. Rip out this part of me, literally. Rip the bits and pieces of my cerebral cortex, my occipital lobe, my cortical lobes, and the hippocampus of my brain, LITERALLY. And perhaps. I'll find new happiness for the rest of my entire life.

Emotional Crisis.

2009-09-06T08:41:00.003-07:00

I really feel like im undergoing emotional stress and depression right now... its been awhile since ive felt this way. Too much has happened within 2 months. Too much. I feel like my whole life has changed. And i have reached the end of a chapter of my life. I'm struggling to start a new one, but it's hard. Something is holding me back... but I intend to fight it.

More Lang Tengah Photos.

2009-08-20T12:55:00.003-07:00

My favourite photo during the whole trip!

THAT'S SO AWESOME RIGHT? HOW DID YOU DO THAT DANNY GAN? It's so funny! :).

Loo and Mou VERY FUNNY.

And some group shots on top of the rock.

Missing you, LANG TENGAH!

Lang Tengah Island, Terengganu.

2009-08-09T05:03:00.003-07:00

Awesome trip! Loved every moment despite how tired i was! And how sick i got... but nevermind! Let's start the story.

Thursday night (30th July 2009)

Caught the bus from Hentian Putra Bus Station near PWTC; We caught the 10.30pm bus, and it took about 8 hours to arrive at Kuala Terengganu! Ouch.
And during this bus trip, i did not get a wink of sleep :\.

Friday (31st July 2009)

Arrived at Kuala Terengganu at 6am! The ferry to catch at Merang Jetty was at 11am (i think); And our scheduled van to take us there was at around 930am. So we chilled at McDs (i was literally dying of exhaustion) for 3 hours omg.

No sleep makes steph a dull, zombie-like girl :(.

And when things get too bored...

They arm-wrestled wtf.

This is Merang Jetty, where we caught the Ferry to take us to Lang Tengah island.

With Chien Yih and Woei Jiun.

With Danny mr.poser!

Lovely coconuts wtf.

So in the ferry...

:). Life jackets.

Water was seriously CLEAR, BLUE and just clean. SO clean and beautiful i could cry T_T.

Taken from the ferry ride. I loved this ride! It was pretty exciting at first but then it got boring after 15 mins wtf.

Anyway... THIS is LANG TENGAH island.

OMG WHAT IS THIS IN MALAYSIA? Yes people! Hidden paradise i must say! Well kept too!

And this was our resort, which i highly recommend.

D'Coconut. But, unfortunately on our first night, there was no hot water. Hmm. Only our room though. But the resort was pretty good! Very very nice.

Here i am, enjoying the sun. With Mou Huang lurking behind me wtf.

So we went for lunch, then we changed into our swim wear and hit the beach for some fun!

VI boys posing.

All of us.

And after that we went for some snorkelling, which of course, no photos available. My camera isn't water proof so...
But it was fun. Unfortunately i fell sick half way, so i couldnt go for the second round. I just felt really sick due to lack of sleep... so i was more prone to sea sickness. Danny and Saiful were down as well... gosh :\. But after that we went back to our resort, had a good nap and shower, and freshened up for dinner.

So, dinner time.

The lovely couple - Estee and Loo.

Us all.

Estee and i.

Omg this pic is damn funny. Spot the laughing man!

So the night ended with some drinks at the bar nearby and them playing poker... we all slept at around 11pm-12am. Early right, everyone was pooped.

Saturday (1st August 2009)

And the next morning, I was woken up by that boy, MOU HUANG. This was his tactic :

GRR. I woke up at 7am :(. Horrible Mou. I didnt get enough sleep okay. Blek.

So we had breakfast anyway, though we weren't expecting to wake up for that.
Went back to our room and fell asleep for an hour wtf.

Woke up at again at 9am, went out to play and meet the rest.

First thing we saw was this -

Hahahaaha poor chien yih. Kena bully!

Then we had more fun at the beach and pool...

There are more awesome jumping photos but they are currently with Chien Yih, so im still waiting for them!

We played some volleyball and football which were really FUN. I enjoyed volleyball a lot. Despite burning under the sun.

We headed to the pool for some water rugby and other random stuff, like diving wtf.

The pool at the resort!

After lunch we had a game of monopoly, and guess who won?

Tsk chien yih the bully! Poor saiful hahahahaha.

After that we climbed some rocks to reach the highest peak. And the scenery seen from up there was breathtaking. Absolutely stunning! It was so refreshing and it was so mesmerizing!

Chien yih sitting!

And some shots taken from up there.

Look at how clear the water is!!!!!!!!!!!

Danny posing.

Scandal! TSK. That's Loo and Woei Jiun btw.

Hahaha.

All of us minus Mou Huang, who was too tired to climb up. He was nicely asleep on the chair along the beach.

So after we came down...

CAMWHORE. LOL. SAIFUL.

We sunburnt!

Saiful wearing my hat, which made him look like JOHNNY DEPP, dont u think? ;).

This pyramid was my idea! So i wasnt in it wtf. I love this!

Then some random fun and games in the pool...

Bwahahaha.

At night, they had some drinks and played poker again. Guess who got drunk? GUESS =__=.
Clue: He was one of my room mates.

Good day! Loved the 2nd day more because i wasn't as exhausted.

Sunday (2nd August 2009)

Woke up at 6am haiyo because we had to check out by 7.15 am!

Had a rather groggy breakfast, then the ferry took us back to Merang Jetty. SO SAD. Bye bye Lang Tengah!

So we stopped by Kuala Terengganu's chinatown for awhile, just to have a bite and look-see.

We had "brunch" here.

Tau foo fah! REALLY GOOD!

MH - thanks for taking care of me throughout the trip! Hahaha thanks for bugging me to go in the first place, i didnt regret it.

So that concludes the end of my trip. Well, we arrived KL at night around 8pm. So back to reality and stress and work. Hahaha.

It's been a week since the trip, and im still remembering every moment. It was definitely an unforgettable one.

For those wanting to get away from the city, i highly recommend visiting Lang Tengah, which is in between Redang and Perhentian. It was my first time to one of the best beaches in Malaysia, so i was truly fascinated.

Good trip! Great company! Now, back to good ol' KL! Will update soon.

Hidden Paradise.

2009-08-08T00:04:00.003-07:00

Last weekend I headed to the most beautiful island i have ever been to in Malaysia; together with the oh-so-cool VI boys :). I will update about this later tonight - for now, i shall start working on my retarded dissertation. Sorry!

help mee

2009-08-03T21:54:00.001-07:00

I can't let go... but what if you're better off without me? Should I back off? Or should I crawl back to you? . . .

White Horse.

2009-07-27T05:07:00.003-07:00

I wish time could just STOP RIGHT THERE. It's so scary thinking how every day is a new day and before i know it, i'll be back in DEPRESSING SHIT HOLE LONDON. ALONE. YES IM GOING BACK ALONE T__T. So i'll be ALONE for the first two weeks. AH!!! I'm super sad right now, i hate thinking about it! And like, my life here is SO different. I love the life here, but i cannot do any work here. But over there, i can actually get some work done (despite the distractions of FB and MSN). HERE... i'm just too happy enjoying the life! I hate cooping myself up at home knowing that i havent accomplished SO many things.

And you know what's making me feel even worse? That i have not met ALL my friends. I have not met some yet. Not once also! And i feel super super sad right now because my friend, YIN MAY has left for Australia. OH MY GOD i honestly thought she was flying off NEXT monday... i didn't know it's TODAY (monday). I seriously thought she told me next monday. AM I STUPID OR WHAT. I'm a certified BAD friend! I tried to call her an hour after she texted me but her phone was already dead. OH MY GOD, my heart just dropped. I can't believe how stupid i was. Or how ignorant, or whatever. Why am i so blur at times. And there is nothing i can do about it now. I'm so sorry Yin May, i really am. I miss you and wish you all the best there. I was hoping to have more fun times together but geez words are just words right? Im really SORRY, do keep in touch on MSN/email. AHHHH :(. So sad right now. *Slaps self.

Ok... sad thoughts aside - last week was pretty eventful. Yes, the week before the depression started. RAWR.

Let them photos do the talking!

#1. Celebrated AUBREY's 21st birthday at New Paris, PJ and then RED BOX @ The Curve, Damansara.

#2. Newly made best friends. Serious.

#3. Old friends reunited :). Accompanied with beer, karaoke, dancing ;).

#4. Group pic that night - newly added is Aubrey's boyfriend, Pin Yu.

#5. Celebrated Marcus' farewell; the night before he left for down under :(.

#6. Elena kacau-ing Mou Huang. MH macam tak layan... huuhuu.

#7. Hor! Dont play play wtf.

#8. Smexay girlfriend.

#9. Baby-face. BYE!

#10. Hello MIRROR.

#11. Self-timer shot. HAHAH WHAT IS ELENA DOING.

HAHAHAHA oh you know what, speaking of this girl... she can seriously take DAMN FUNNY shots. In photos i mean. Some that can make me laugh SO bloody hard till my stomach hurts. Like there's this photo, i have not stopped laughing until now. I don't know why but her photo just entertains me! In a good way! HAHAH! Bet most of you have already seen it on Facebook, but allow me to refresh your memory...

TA-DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA 10000X!!!!!!

SO DAMN FUNNY CAN? AND HER COMMENT ON THIS PHOTO IS EVEN FUNNIER.

" Elena Tan:
eh wats wrong with this pic lol.. i knew i turned n wana say something while tengah syok dancing, then stupid pin is it tht snap this pic of me like tht "

HAHAHAHAHAH TENGAH SYIOK DANCING. Kinda gives u an idea how she dances eh ;).

Okays stop making fun of her already. But seriously, im still laughing. ZZZ.

:P.

Alright i'm off to snooze people. I'm having a sore throat right now im hoping it isn't the FLU. SHIT. Cause i'm going on a weekend trip this week and i CANNOT afford to fall sick now. I CANT. PLEASE :(. ARGH.

Tomorrow! Will try to write up my report. At least my literature review. OH MY GOD. I'm dying...

Oyasumiii.

I'm not a princess
This ain't a fairytale
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood,
This is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now its too late for you and your White Horse,
To come around...

Quick Update.

2009-07-18T03:51:00.004-07:00

Just a few more pics from last week... what's ironic is that this week has been so much more productive (in terms of hanging out) compared to last, but the photos tell otherwise, because i haven't been snapping any this week.

#1. Hippie girl-style with the horny sissy boy at Ho Ho Steamboat, Petaling Jaya.

#2. Girl with the huge red bow hair band; out with the horny sissy boy, the childhood friend and the all time good friend.

#3. Out with the sister, who never fails to snap fitting room photos with us putting on odd clothes. Mine here was pretty nice actually - we were in Topshop, Midvalley.

This summer is loveeee! For now :).

help me

2009-07-17T03:40:00.002-07:00

My Lips Like Sugar.

I can't believe i've been home for 2 weeks now... it's been so fast yet, so slow.

I have been enjoying every minute of my holiday (except for the fact that im procrastinating my dissertation).

But for the past few days... so many things happened, so much things have changed. I don't believe it myself; never before have I messed up in just two day. People think i'm experienced, i'm smart, i'm smooth - but i'm not. Im totally naive... i'm innocent. I don't know what to do when things go VERY wrong. I have a weak mind, and I have a weaker heart. In short, i can be taken advantage of easily. At the end of the day i tend to ask myself the question - "What have I done?".

You know how it feels like when you've longed for something for so long, and never did you think that it could happen? And then in one day, it happens? One fine day, it actually happens. But there is a catch. Everything happens for a reason... and things happen for us to realize what is right and wrong. We don't live in a world full of dreams and fantasy. Sometimes, we want to believe that fantasies exist, but by the time it gets too far - it's too late.

As for me, I thought I was living in a world of fantasy myself, for just one day. And that one day changed me for the next few days... perhaps weeks, months, years, i'll never know. But for now, i'm hanging on, i'm trying to fix things up, i'm trying to clear my mind and keep myself on track.
I know i'm not fully recovered, i'm still emotionally unstable. Sometimes im still tempted to go further. But i need to fight this feeling, because i'll only end up in tears and left with a bleeding heart.

We make mistakes all the time but we should know when we must start picking up the broken pieces and go on with life.

Did Someone Break Your Heart Inside?

2009-07-08T12:51:00.001-07:00

Hello hello hello! Yours truly is currently blogging from HOME. Which means I am now back in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia! Actually i've been back for almost a week now! And i'm enjoying every moment of it! No more filthy kitchen no more rats no more annoying people no more sharing toilets with so many boys (oh gosh that taught me something for a year!) no more tapau-ing lunch and dinner no more packing no more moving no more squeezing in a small room!

Hello sun hello bed to myself hello keiko hello keera (MY TWO AWESOME DOGS YO) hello piano hello tv hello family! hello friends! hello good food hello car hello malls hello laziness!

But you know whats ruining the whole thing - DISSERTATION.

Whoever created that, ERGH! I'm depressed because i can't find he motivation to start! AND I NEED THE FIRST DRAFT TO BE DONE BY THE END OF JULY bloody hell.
I might not make it.

HOWWWWWWWWW. PLEASE MOTIVATE ME. ITS4AM NOW ! And im still jetlagging!!!

Anyways photos will be up next. I'm too lazy to upload them these days, everyday is a lazy dayyyy :).

king of the world R.I.P

2009-06-30T18:23:00.002-07:00

King of the World.

On the 26th June 2009, the world lost the most talented, history-maker and legendary icon. I first saw the news when HE was still in a coma, as BBC and CNN reported; Whereas TMZ (pfft) claimed that HE was already dead. I kept refreshing my browser until I saw BBC and Wikipedia confirmed HIS death :(.

I was just shock beyond words, as many people would have been. I was honestly devastated (i did not expect this), and as any other person did, I started re-playing all HIS songs. In the middle of the night, filling up the silence in my flat. Gosh I wanted to cry, but i didnt. But i was sad alright, too sad to even blog about this. I just listened to HIS songs over and over, thought back about the times when I started loving HIS songs, incidents that were related to them, and I definitely recalled the painful times when HE was shamelessly accused by morons for molesting little kids and "bleaching his skin white to look like a white" sort of rumours. People like me have never once believed in those, and will continue to carry on HIS legacy.

Michael Jackson, you have indeed made the world a better place and you are definitely not alone. You rocked our world, YOU are the king of pop and as a matter of fact, you are indeed the king of the world in majority's eyes.

Some photos taken outside the Michael Jackson Thriller Live Theatre in Leceister Square, London.

Some things will never happen. Pigs will never fly, gorillas will never turn purple, Jackson will never die.

Long live Michael Jackson.

Thank you for everything YOU have done - We love YOU.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Another post altogether,

Some random pics taken on that same day, and other days...

#1. Girl in the Red Hairband with a Big Red Bow

#2. Boy with a fake fierce-look

#3. Surprisingly yummy home-cooked Thai red curry chicken with Thai fragrant steamed rice by yours truly

#4. Bye bye Beaconsfield Road. Bye bye Canterbury.

#5. With miss CeeTee at Starbucks@Borders. Congrats on your results and pre-graduation honey :).

#6. Terminator Salvation was the super bomb and fantastica compared to Transformers Revenge of the Fallen. And the Fedora is a tribute to MJ.

That's all for now. More tomorrow.

while u were sleeping

2009-06-20T17:24:00.002-07:00

While You Were Sleeping.

Few days back, I was browsing through the upcoming movies which I would like to watch this summer. And of course one of them was 'The Proposal' featuring my favourite and ultimate ideal husband actor of all time (as mentioned in some previous post), Ryan Reynolds and another favourite actress since young, Sandra Bullock.

I haven't been updated with Sandra Bullock for so many years that I've almost forgotten her. And instantly I was reminded of the first movie I saw her in and when i fell in love with her (and the movie). I was soo young then, like 7 or 8 years old when i watched that movie, and i kept watching it over and over i dont even remember how many times i watched it before! The movie was called "While You Were Sleeping".

This movie was released in the year 1995 if im not mistaken, and i dont know why, despite being so young, i absolutely loved the movie, and kept watching repeats.

So i decided to watch it again few days back - and fell in love with it once again.

Aw... i do not dig romance much. But this movie was an absolute loveeeee. I don't know why. Sandra Bullock is so beautiful there, and the story line, the sweetness of it all, everything just falls in place and i'd say they made better romantic movies last time than they do now.

So just briefly, the story starts out with Lucy (Sandra Bullock) who leads a very normal life (and pretty lonely, too), stays with a cat and works at a train station ticket booth. She meets an attractive and handsome man one day who is always on his way to work every morning, catching the train. She falls in love with him at first sight, and dreams of marrying him one day.
Then one fine day, the handsome man (named Peter) gets mugged and pushed down onto the train tracks - leaving him in a coma. Lucy saves Peter and sends him to the hospital.
In the hospital, Lucy watches Peter from afar, and whispers to herself "I was going to marry you" - which is heard by a nurse. The nurse informs the doctor, whom then informs Peter's family. Peter's family is in shock because they did not know about the engagement (which is not true), but they accept it and are very happy about it and greet Lucy very warmly and invite her to family dinners and celebrations. Lucy feels confused and distressed about what she should do because she feels happy to be welcomed into such a loving family but feeling guilty at the same time because frankly, Peter does not even know she exists.
In the mean time, she meets Peter's brother, named Jack. Whom initially just wanted to get to know Lucy better, but in time they both fall in love with each other.
So this is where the plot is, when Lucy is stuck in between and when her life just changes from an ordinary, lonely life into a complicated yet happy and loving life.

Heh. Okay i m really not good at writing brief descriptions! But i guess i really loved the movie when i was young because i found myself being related to her situation and life, i meant the lonely part, where she goes home to a cat everyday. Finding a mate like she did would be a lucky encounter to be honest, but i guess i loved how it sailed throughout and Sandra Bullock is an amazing actress who's probably the most realistic one (messy hair, no make-up, plain clothes, etc.). Love her!

So sometimes leading a lonely life for years does not mean you will be in the same situation for the rest of your life. Thats what the movie taught me, although easier said than done lah... no matter what there will always be lonely moments.

And that's how i feel right now. It's at this point in time when - it's summer holidays - but in the middle, it's passed the ecstatic stage (beginning)... and now it is the time when i need to start packing and moving things - deal with being alone because most people have gone home or started their internships - deal with the idea of going back home alone after a year of not seeing my family and friends in KL... I get this fear that i wouldnt know how to react or what to do! And an additional part this summer - a dissertation to write-up which is due in September.

OH SIGH.

Am in Kent now, helping the Bear to pack and move first. Then my turn. So now, i should continue doing what im supposed to do. Sigh, and that includes doing some work for my supervisor at MSD. Yes, i thought im done with my industrial placement but its still going on! Although no more sleeping at 11pm every night waking up at 6am every morning now! Thank goodness.

beach at broadstairs

2009-06-17T17:36:00.003-07:00

Beach and Terminator Salvation.

At Broadstairs, Kent, UK :). One of the best beaches worth visiting in England apparently.

Finally been there done that. This can be taken off my summer list, HOWEVER there will be more beaches to come :). I love beaches i dont remember loving beaches this much before i experienced winter =___=.

And you know, my precious digital camera has gone cuckoo. OMG, i never knew we werent supposed to bring a digital camera to beaches? Apparently even if you dont lay it down on the sand, the wind will just blow the sand into the camera, killing it :S.

THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO MY PRECIOUS. i havent told my mum... i dont know :(. But worse, i feel awful about it because this camera has served its purpose and left me contented for 2 years T_T. And it's taken a few bloody good shots too. But of course it had its flaws.
What the, i'll make sure it doesnt die yet. I'm yet to send it to the shop for repair :(.

Oh, and yet to report back to Headquarters *sigh*.

Oh yes, YES YES, TERMINATOR SALVATION was orgasmic. I loved it although some reviews were really bad. Whaateverrr... because i never watched the first 3 anyway! So... hahaha! Yeah, my first terminator movie. That's why it blew me away.

NO HOT GUYS OK. CHRISTIAN BALE IS NOT HOT. WHICH MEANS JOHN CONNOR IS NOT HOT. AND JOHN CONNOR WHISPERS TOO MUCH! JUST LIKE THE HIPPO, MOTO MOTO IN MADAGASCAR 2. I THINK MARCUS WRIGHT (SAM WORTHINGTON) IS HOTTER. LIKE WAYY HOTTER. ALTHOUGH STILL NOT AS HOT AS THE MEN IN X-MEN:WOLVERINE.

:D. My, what an insightful post!

summer days

2009-06-11T19:05:00.003-07:00

The Summer Days.

Wow you know, i realized my last post is a very violent one (coming from me!). Such anger from a woman triggered :p. But it was good, because i felt so much more relieved after.

So these days have been so hectic because of housing issues; I haven't even had time to do pre-reg applications or start on my dissertation (i guess that would have to be delayed). And my supervisor has been emailing/texting me about stuff from work that i hadnt the time to think properly and reply :(. Plus i forgot to take note of one important info from work. Dammit.

Also, i really should stop shopping. It's done enough damage to me. To my cards and wallet. OMG, its like ive gone crazy after the cage has been unlocked. Quite unlike me, but ive spent more than expected.

My sister is leaving soon, back to good ol' KL. Even more hectic for her; Packing and moving. But i'll be doing the moving for her.
Havent even had the time to visit the places i really wanted to go...

Gosh why is this summer so short?! Plus it's practically booked for my dissertation write up, how nice! Im hating this year...... OH and filled with pre-reg applications and hopefully interviews!

Oh my LORD... i'm so stressed.

Been awhile since ive taken self shots in my room, my messy... room.

And you know, my hair is SO long now! It's so messy i hate it... i actually cant wait to CHOP it off. Prepare to feast your eyes on someone different this summer. I know i'll regret this, but at the moment, i just need to do something different in life; Because life is too short.

GO DIE. you know who you are.

2009-06-10T17:45:00.010-07:00

Double Cross.

It's times like this when I honestly, truly feel like grabbing your neck, punching the daylights out of your face, and let you bleed... (whether to death or not, that's not a problem, either way does not bring out any more pity in me).

For almost a year I have known you, for almost a year i've put up with your extremely poor emotional and intelligence quotients, your childishness, your rudeness, your unbelievably irresponsible and troubled attitude, and also - your ugly face.

I've tried so hard to be nice to you, and every time that happens, you fucking screw it up, you bastard. YOU just have to piss me off, again and AGAIN. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, or why you have such LOW EQ and IQ, you are just one of the most despicable person i have ever met in my entire life.

And today, TODAY was the last straw. There were even more rude things you did and said to me before, but i tolerated your childish behaviour. UNTIL NOW.

I've been the one writing the letters, i've been settling the problems and getting them fixed! IN THE MIDDLE OF MY PLACEMENT. Compared to your written letters which did not get acknowledged... AT ALL, MINE got through to them straightaway, and they replied me efficiently with the job done in the nick of time! AND oh guess what? Not a word of THANKS from you. ALL you do, is COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN, COMPLAIN. All you know how to do, is to criticize and order people around. And you can't even fix the simplest common sense problem. You always claim you're not the boss around here, but you know what you fucking asshole? YOU MAKE YOURSELF SOUND LIKE ONE and that everyone should listen to you!

So okay fine! Not appreciated - fine. Leave it. At least i know I did it and got it done myself.

Then after that you asked me to write a SIMILAR letter to fix another problem. You kept bugging me for weeks, even though i was EXTEREMELY busy and i have no idea why u refused to ask someone else instead of me! YA SO WHO'S BOSSY?
And finally when my placement ended, you sent out an email to all of us stating that you'll ask someone else because i never got the job done. WHAT the fuck and you said you're not boss around here. And i said why didn't you ask that SOMEONE ELSE before? Why must it be me? And you just said EVERYONE IS BUSY, OH GOD ARE YOU STUPID OR WHAT?!

So being a naturally nice person as I HONESTLY AM, i decided to write that stupid letter from that stupid head of yours a few days ago, hoping to help you (what a mistake!). And i sent it to you to check, and asked you to send a copy to me once you've sent it out or modified it.
And you didnt reply.
So i asked you today if you received it.
And all you said was... "YA. BUT TOO LATE I'VE ALREADY SENT OUT ****'S LETTER".
Okay, that's fine. BUT U ADDED... "BUT BOTH VERY UNPROFESSIONAL".

WOAH... hold it right there sneaky eyes. Where did THAT come from? Sure, unprofessional you say, BUT DID U HAVE TO BE SO RUDE LIKE THAT? GOD, WHERE'S THE APPRECIATION MAN?! YOU HAVE NO BLOODY EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE.

So i asked you, "Are you saying that our letters were unprofessional????????"
And you said "YES i forwarded them to my friend who's a LAWYER and she said so".

You are the most shallow creature ever. So your so-called friend whos a so-called lawyer said our letters were unprofessionally written and you take this chance, this opportunity, to insult and be an asshole. SHAME ON YOU. WHERE'S THE THANKS AT LEAST?
So i said "OH! So you should have written it on your own then! WHY ASKED ME AND HIM TO DO IT?"

AND you go on with "OK. Now you're just being childish".

WOAH. Okay that. TOTALLY. BLEW ME OVER.

DID YOU JUST CALL ME CHILDISH? Fucking moron, all i was expecting was a "THANK YOU FOR YOUR EFFORT BUT UNFORTUNATELY I DONT THINK IT WOULD HAVE BEEN CONVINCING ENOUGH, I DID ASK A FRIEND FOR ADVICE AND SHE SAID PERHAPS IT COULD HAVE BEEN IMPROVED".

WAS THAT SOOOO HARD? MY GOD! I've never met someone as HORRIBLE and DEMEANING AS YOU! YOU just put me off and tonight seriously opened my eyes - that i shall not TOLERATE a fucking blob like you anymore. Jackasses like you are deserving to die the most horrific death ever. Bitches like you (yes you're a fucking girl most of the time) should go through the most painful torture ever invented.
You know what? IF you piss me off again, right in FRONT of my face - I will PUNCH you, i WILL beat you up until you cry like a whiney baby.

No one has ever pissed me off this much before. Nor have i ever hated someone this much before. SO congratulations for being the first, and possibly the last because no one, NO ONE else could possibly be worse off than you.

You are, by far, one of the first CERTIFIED PRICK, in my dictionary.

Go to hell.

wolverine and star trek

2009-06-04T16:08:00.004-07:00

Summer Movies.

Alas, 12 weeks have come to an end! I was so relieved after Monday morning, as it was the end of my placement and FINAL PRESENTATION in front of the FPD and PAC Merck staff! It was terrifying but it went surprisingly well! When it was time to leave i actually felt so heavy hearted that my tears almost appeared =_=. What a contrast to when i first started... I wanted to give my supervisor a hug but... i stopped there because i didnt want to cry wtf =__=. Im such a sucker.

So... that day was blazing hot. I had a great time walking to the station with Avani and Mary... thinking about how our presentations went and how 12 weeks have flown by. And of course, what are my future plans till I fly back to good ol' KL!

Little did i know that other issues outside work are more stressful :S. Such as housing issues for next year, even current ones!!! Pre-reg applications, etc. Oh gosh... will i even have time to start writing my dissertation before i fly back? I dont think so :S.

But the past few days have been so good. I managed to catch two great movies in two nights. OH MAN i love this life. So for this post i'll just be talking about these two movies, or rather, talking about the actors in them.

First movie up...!

;).

Woohoo X-MEN WOLVERINE! Guess what, i was never intrigued to watch this from the beginning, but someone has been bugging me to. And i dont regret it :P.

Okay... to be honest, this movie... is all about...

HOT GUYS!!!!!!!!!!

HOT MEN!!!!!!!!!!!

I think thats why my eyes were so glued to the screen =_=.

Because the story line was SO CLICHE! I didnt like it. Blablabla so predictable!

BUT GOSH WHO SO SMART PUT ALL THE HOT GUYS IN THERE?????

Not a huge fan of Hugh Jackman but his body is a freaking oven times two.

I love this mutant (The gambit). I LOVE HIM. He's so mysterious and cool. I love how he portrays his character i love how hot he is even though he never showed his body in the movie xD. Oh man i have a weak spot for dark, mysterious, magician-vampire-like men. I SWEAR I DO.

Rawr. Love the hat.

And talk about HOT asian guys.

Daniel Henney... mmmm... ok la he's hot. I didn't want to admit it because SOMEONE used to show me his photos all over google images before i even knew he existed in this movie. But when i saw him appear in Wolverine i got so excited =_=. Sigh.

OMG i need to point out one actor here which i dont agree to.

RYAN REYNOLDS IN WOLVERINE???????

WTF is he doing in such movie! Ryan Reynolds is my ultimate ideal husband and he is more suited in heartwarming comedies T___T.

I absolutely loved him in "Definitely, Maybe". SOOOO ADORABLE.
So, yah even though he had a hot bod in Wolverine, i just couldn't see how his "look" could pull off as Wade... but he actually did it quite well =_=. GOOD job Ryan. I loved you the most here :).

Alright so overall this movie isn't as good as anticipated but the guys... omg... i totally underestimated them before =_____= SWT. OMG i cant believe im drooling over these guys. So silly.

Alright time to move on to the nexttt movie!

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

IT'S STAR TREK!!!!!!!!!!

BOOOM!

Ok this movie was good - only flaw is that you need to know quite a few things before watching this because the story line is abit more complicated and i think you need to be attentive to watch this AND everything will make sense.

Oh... and that this movie has no hot guys =_=.
Only one =_=.

I mean of course i dont care BWAHAHAHA YEAA RIGHT but yes i don't care because damn those high tech stuff were so cool. I loved every scene in space i loved the space ships.
I loved the wars.

But i hated........

This... half-Vulcan.
SPOCK.

EWWWWWWWW SPOCK. He's ugly there I'M SORRY. I couldn't stand him throughout the movie because he just reminded me of some nerdy, awkward guy i know!!! And i do not fancy such guys because they act cooler than they are T_T. And they turn out so lame T_T. And Spock... i hated his hairstyle, his way of talking, his intelligence wasn't that great too... and the way he hid his emotions? YAH exactly what i'm talking about.
Haihs Spock. I hate Spock.

Nyeheheh :P.

I adored James Kirk. So cute! Only that he's so super horny reminds me of someone i know too!

Anyway he, being so silly from the start just made him so much more adorable. WTF. Bad boys ftw wtf.
Omg i just realized that ftw is wtf spelled backwards :S.
That looked so weird.

Anyway i was curious to see who acted as SPOCK so i did a bit of googling after the movie... and...

WTFFF THIS... IS... SPOCK.
THIS IS SPOCK.
SPOCK!!!

Actor/Model: Zachary Quinto.

Who's also in HEROES.

Wowza. What a difference. I am utterly speechless.

I didn't say he's hot!

OKAY anyway movie... story-line wise... STAR TREK is infinitely better than Wolverine. So please, if you want a worthwhile movie to watch, which actually doesn't waste your brain cells, watch Star Trek.

But if you just wanna see cute and hot guys, watch Wolverine, definitely! :P.

Ok end of post. Tired now.
Wanted to write a proper one but geez i HATE uploading pictures here. Ah wells. Enjoy!

summer approaches

2009-05-18T14:19:00.002-07:00

As Summer Approaches

Ignore the title. Summer definitely doesn't feel anywhere near. I hate the weather these days; rainy and COLD. EW. Typical London! When will i ever get to wear my summer dresses, shorts, and tube tops! :(. URGH! Not to mention visiting the beach with a new set of swim wear. YEAYY!

Unfortunately, im still stuck at work, people. I am down to my last few weeks. HOWEVER, things are getting more hectic for me! I don't know why but my supervisor is working me like mad last minute. I'm worried about my final presentation and everything. And especially analyzing my results. Any experts in STATISTICS here? I mean real professionals! I need your help to quantitatively analyze my results PLEASE. Desperate here.

So as usual i'm being tired every day. Weekends are awesome because I get to enjoy Starbucks.

Plus i get to enjoy good dinner out (like KOREAN fooood mmmm, thanks MINXI for friday night!).

What else?
OH! I get to stay up late and sleep till whenever i feel like it :).

Just got my sister to watch 1 Litre of Tears (Japanese drama series) and i still found it absolutely tear-jerking. HOW TO NOT CRY geez. Second time watching the whole thing for me. First time i watched was in my 1st year of uni.
My, my, how time flies.

Also, im beginning to find the two girls, Avani and Mary who are doing this placement with me - super funny and interesting. Honestly i look forward to our lunch sessions because they talk all sorts of random and interesting things that tickle my funny bone. Sometimes to the point when i almost choke while drinking water =__=. THEY'RE so awesome i love them at times especially when i need them to reduce my level of stress at work X_X.

Crap. Almost time for bed. Will update this again soon.

SEE YA!